Sunday, July 29, 2007

They're heeere (Poltergeist reference - get it? No? Ok.)

I went out for a drink last night at The Mont, a Norman mainstay and home of the "Sooner Swirl" a frosty, purple concoction with Everclear that I will not be enjoying again for quite some time. From my perch at the bar, I noticed something. Coinciding with the most wonderful time of the year (college football season) is its most horrifying byproduct - the infestation of frat rats in the lovely hamlet of Norman, Oklahoma. Now, this is the first summer I've spent in good ol' Norman since 2002, and damn, things have changed (or I've forgotten how they were because I'm getting old - I will go with change). Now, not all sorority sisters are of the sorostitute persuasion (this whole post is a bit of a gross generalization), but based on my completely unscientific research, it seems like more and more fall into this category. It appears to be an epidemic. A sexy epidemic. No, not sexy. Trashy. Ok, sometimes sexy. In spite of my palpable hatred of their vapid existence, some of them are fucking hot. And the others try real hard. Basically, I detest them because they lead the boys of Norman to believe that all girls should look and behave like these chicks. Not so, I say. I'm quite a catch (if you have no standards whatsoever) even if I do dress like a lesbina sometimes (yeah, I wore Chacos to the bar last night - that's how I roll).

The natural habitat of the sorostitute is the bar, fraternity or local Jamba Juice location. In off hours, they can be seen driving about town in Range Rovers, 4-Runners, or Lexus SUVs (those less fortunate 'tutes are often seen in Jeeps and Explorers) wearing Dior sunglasses larger than a small breed dog, carrying an oversized Coach bag (stocked with, I imagine, condoms and lip gloss) in shorts that barely cover their ass, a tank top emblazoned with Greek letters and Nike shocks. Chances are, you will catch a peek of Victoria Secret's PINK line of underwear where most normal people would be sporting a muffin top. During peak hours, they gather at local bars clad in BCBG heels, Miss Sixty cleavage baring dresses displaying a store bought tan, freshly highlighted hair, a (real) Prada purse, Chanel eye liner and saucer sized earrings. During the winter, they wear sorority issued black ass-pants, puffy North Face coats, and pointy toed boots that are more expensive than everything in my closet combined. Their diet consists of Keystone Light, lettuce, Coke (diet and Colombian) and semen. While they have evolved to develop a highly sensitive popped collar radar to detect potential husbands, they have been unable to increase their capacity to drink more than two beers without whipping out their pink Razr to drunk dial other sisters or make out with the button downed douche that bought their drinks.

God love 'em.

17 comments:

michael5000 said...

College life is so enternal and unchanging. It's like the seasons and that kind of crap. The sorority girls replace themselves like mayflys; only the brand names change.

Five weeks to kickoff. I'm predicting that your boys will WIN against North Texas. You heard this fearless prediction here first.

Dan said...

God love 'em indeed. and God damn images that can't be displayed because they contain errors.

Julie_Gong said...

OMG... like I totally can't wait until these girls like find this post and start trying to argue about how they're like totally not whores.

stewpid said...

this made me laugh, a whole entire ton. you are soooo funny. Condoms and lip gloss bwah hahahahaha.

I could use some cheering up, because I got bad news. I found out last night that I have Dunlap's disease.

That's right, I got dressed to go out and my gut dun lap my jeans. So sad.

stephen said...

God, this made me wish I was back in college.

Step Right Up said...

and they'll just breed more sorostitutes in the future...it's a vicious cycle.

Mr. Shain said...

my favorite part is how, during the first week of classes, they all must wear matching shirts with their letters and sit in "blocks" in the lecture halls. i feel like i'm presiding over congress.

Jeannette said...

Girl like that are why I never get laid.

They just wont have sex with me.

blythe said...

michael - i think we'll beat north texas too. i'm concerned about the real texas. that gets nasty.

dan - stupid internet explorer bullshit. worked on my comp.

julie - the 'tutes totes have better stuff to do than read.

stephen - i know, right? mostly, i want to play pong for a living.

sru - sterilization. j/k. or am i?

mr. shain - i know you live for this time of year. there is nothing better than a sorostislut trying to expound on kant. nothing. ok, maybe some things. or even a lot of things. fine. most things. but still, it's entertaining for like five minutes till you make me grade their exam and they use bubble letters.

stewpid said...

"kant" is a typo, right?

d said...

Their diet consists of Keystone Light, lettuce, Coke (diet and Colombian) and semen.

i thought all they'd drink is wine coolers.

Mr. Shain said...

wine coolers? seriously? have you met the greek girls in the south/widwest? those bitch but their drinking teeth on whiskey in high school.

Mr. Shain said...

how about:

those bitches cut their drinking teeth on whiskey in high school.

blythe said...

stewpid - kant isn't a typo, but shain's whole comment is.

d - i think things have changed since we were in school. although i have no idea if and when you were in school. ZIMA!

Big Daddy said...

Sigh, I kind of miss Zima.

Lesbina!

I love that my typo created a new word.

stewpid said...

lesbinas love zime

damn, I should be in advertising.

I am still thinking about those dumb kants.

blythe said...

i think i might make the life and times of the frat rat a regular post. so, with that, c u next tuesday!

get it? shit, i crack myself up. big time.