Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Guess what, homeskillet(s)?

I finally watched Juno. It took me longer than baby Juno's gestation, but I finally did it. And it wasn't easy, either. It was late, like 9.45pm on Monday night, which is about 45 minutes past my third grade bedtime, which is also my current bedtime. I didn't think I'd make it, but fortunately, my 184 Diet Cokes per day habit made it possible. I won't bother anyone with a review because it's old news, I just wanted it known that I finally bent to the will of Ellen Page and Michael Cera. And that stripper/writer chick. Or whatever.

Believe me, you don't have to be a pregnant teen to eat like that.

In other news, I spent almost all weekend thinking up terrible recipes that Sandra Lee (busty, blond "Semi-Homemade" chick on the Food Network) would perpetrate in any given situation. It's a wonderful way to pass the time when Shain goes shopping with you and hates everything that you show interest in whether you express it aloud or not. Let's say you've rented Juno and have decided to invite a few friends over to watch. Sandra would suggest dumping several cans of peas into a blender with onion soup mix for a special babyfoodesque treat to be served in adorable sippy cups. For the main course, abortion stew is started by dumping a bag of frozen, chopped onions, canned tomatoes, brown gravy mix, one bottle of beer, six quarts of the highest sodium beef broth you can find, 8 ounces shame, two cups of relief, and three pounds stew beef into a crockpot. Let the ingredients heat on low in the crockpot for no more than a trimester - you might want to complete this step in advance. In fact, why not pop in an Arrested Development DVD while you cook. The aborted series features two of the film's stars! To finish, top each heaping serving with a mixture of one jar mayonnaise, one container sour cream, one package taco seasoning mix, two tablespoons of bottled lemon juice and a dash of MSG. Sunny D cocktails - two ounces Sunny D, three shots of McCormick's tequila, ice, two tablespoons bottled lime juice, a dash each of A-1 and Tabasco - should be served in chilled baby bottles. To create a great tablescape, you need look no further than local resources! Simply stop by Planned Parenthood for condoms to toss down the center of the table, as a reminder. Check your own medicine cabinet for extra pregnancy tests from that last scare and line them up and down the center of the table to create a faux table runner. Cloth diapers will make wonderful napkins! Start up the movie and join your companions as they watch the witty banter fly faster than the Gilmore Girls without their Adderall on the bullet train.


Actual Sandra Lee recipe: Italian Beef

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

1-2-3-4 tell me that you love me anymore (like you ever did)

I am not so good at the blogging with all of the working and the sleeping and the solitary drinking and such. Apologies. My job continues to dominate 80% of my time that I don't spend thinking or talking about my job. The other .01% of my time I spend bitching about everything else, including this blog and the lack thereof. However, this weekend, I took a little break from my self imposed prison of work and bitchiness and ventured out into my community with the following results:

1. Apple Store, Penn Square Mall, Oklahoma City, OK: My dad called to let me know that TurboTax had felled our mighty eMac from 2004. Surprise. He was freaking out because now he had no computer with which to go online and order a new computer so that he could complete filing in a timely manner. I suggested that instead of ordering a computer and taking a day off work to await its arrival that we go to the Apple Store conveniently located near a J. Crew. He agreed, with reservation - about what, I don't know. We completed the purchase after about 500 hours of luddite torture inflicted by Dad toward myself and the poor, annoying apple guy who says he will email the receipt and call us when the additional memory stick has been installed - yes, we had them do it. When we return to pick up the computer, the concierge/dumbass asks for our receipt. I say it will be emailed to us with our Apple Care information. Dad then completely freaks out because it dons on him that without his old computer working, he can't possibly check email to print out the new receipt. FOR REAL! I calmly try to tell him that he can access his email from any computer and that we need only to turn on the new computer so that he can log in to gmail. He thinks this over and clearly thinks that he has spawned a complete and utter retard for thinking that email can exist on more than just one's personal computer. Seriously, folks, it's amazing I can even read. Also, he has a Ph.D.

2. Meacham Hall, OU, Norman, OK: Later that night, Darryl/Craig Robinson, the endearing warehouser from The Office performed his stand up routine at OU. It bordered on totally lame and awful and made extensive use of a Casio and the word "panties." I could make better jokes in my sleep, if I were funny. Later that night, we saw him holding court over a mixture of fratsters and sorostitutes (who probably don't watch The Office unless it's on in the background while they're blowing dudes with their boat shoes* still on) at the bar. Ew.

3. East Lawn, OU, Norman, OK: Later, later that night, we returned from the disappointing "comedy" show to whine and complain about the lack of interesting shit to do in Norman, the boyfriend stumbled upon the fact that Voxtrot would be performing at OU, right where we had been a mere minutes earlier. We finished our Keystones and braved the streets filled with the remnants of OU's first scrimmage to listen to approximately 1.5 songs before they finished. Oops. They are darling! Like all good hipsters, they are mini. Super cute, teeny tiny musicians. Oh well, random indie bands are always clamoring to play in Norman, so there'll be more... Actually, if you read this (ha!) and you're from the area, the Norman Music Festival happens the 26th. The line up isn't bad including British Sea Power, The Polyphonic Spree and lots of not totally sucky local acts.

4. Cain's Ballroom, Tulsa, OK: Mr. Shain and I hit the turnpike for a quick trip to Tulsa to hear my favorite Feist perform Monday night. Shain is truly dear sometimes, but I don't know why, and frankly, it scares me. He picked me up from work and promptly handed me a Boylan lime seltzer, my favorite, for the trip. I thought for sure this meant that he was the Silvio to my Ade. After a pit stop at McDonald's so Shain could stuff his face with the new southern chicken sandwich (what does that even mean, McDonald's?) we arrived in Tulsa to get lost in the totally dead downtown area. It was weird. We were afraid to park, but we did and made it inside. Now, I love Feist and you will not convince me otherwise. I have Let it Die and The Reminder memorized. I will fight you if you say she sucks unless it looks like I cannot win. Right, my point was that I suspected, as we entered the venue, that the Urban Outfitted attendees did not share the same kind of love. I was right. Instead of singing the The Park, she railed the audience for their behavior to the melody. I imagine this is not unusual for her, that she probably rehearses admonishments for mid-western audiences, but I got her point. Shain thought it was preachy and tacky. What was actually maybe more tacky was her outfit - I couldn't decide if her white fringed mini dress with white leather booties topped with beaded Native American inspired necklaces was an homage to her surroundings or just bizarre taste. More disturbing was the continued audience behavior. This chick beside me totally flipped her shit on the security guy near us chatting up a totally drunk girl. The security dude actually told her to shut the fuck up. I was stunned. But then I returned to the hypnotic effect of the music accompanied by this super hot piano player and the boyfriend's doppleganger on guitar (he seriously looked quite like him). She played all the old favorites including new versions of Inside and Out and Let it Die. She forgot a verse of Mushaboom, but came back with a fantastic encore of Sealion Woman. One of the most compelling things about the whole show, besides Shain's clothing choice which involved a stuffed in t-shirt and vest, was the shadow imagery projected on the back of the stage area. Usually, I hate that shit, but now, of course, I want to change careers. We got home about 2 and I headed into work by 8. Awesome, but worth it.

5. My Bed, Norman, OK: I went to bed last night a about 7pm and woke up at 6.30 this morning. Hence the bloglessness. I'll try to be better about reporting my totally boring life and inane observations, but no promises.

*Has anyone noticed this trend? WFT? They are the summer equivalent of Uggs, I suppose. I will never understand and assume that's for the best.