Guess what, homeskillet(s)?

I finally watched Juno. It took me longer than baby Juno's gestation, but I finally did it. And it wasn't easy, either. It was late, like 9.45pm on Monday night, which is about 45 minutes past my third grade bedtime, which is also my current bedtime. I didn't think I'd make it, but fortunately, my 184 Diet Cokes per day habit made it possible. I won't bother anyone with a review because it's old news, I just wanted it known that I finally bent to the will of Ellen Page and Michael Cera. And that stripper/writer chick. Or whatever.

Believe me, you don't have to be a pregnant teen to eat like that.

In other news, I spent almost all weekend thinking up terrible recipes that Sandra Lee (busty, blond "Semi-Homemade" chick on the Food Network) would perpetrate in any given situation. It's a wonderful way to pass the time when Shain goes shopping with you and hates everything that you show interest in whether you express it aloud or not. Let's say you've rented Juno and have decided to invite a few friends over to watch. Sandra would suggest dumping several cans of peas into a blender with onion soup mix for a special babyfoodesque treat to be served in adorable sippy cups. For the main course, abortion stew is started by dumping a bag of frozen, chopped onions, canned tomatoes, brown gravy mix, one bottle of beer, six quarts of the highest sodium beef broth you can find, 8 ounces shame, two cups of relief, and three pounds stew beef into a crockpot. Let the ingredients heat on low in the crockpot for no more than a trimester - you might want to complete this step in advance. In fact, why not pop in an Arrested Development DVD while you cook. The aborted series features two of the film's stars! To finish, top each heaping serving with a mixture of one jar mayonnaise, one container sour cream, one package taco seasoning mix, two tablespoons of bottled lemon juice and a dash of MSG. Sunny D cocktails - two ounces Sunny D, three shots of McCormick's tequila, ice, two tablespoons bottled lime juice, a dash each of A-1 and Tabasco - should be served in chilled baby bottles. To create a great tablescape, you need look no further than local resources! Simply stop by Planned Parenthood for condoms to toss down the center of the table, as a reminder. Check your own medicine cabinet for extra pregnancy tests from that last scare and line them up and down the center of the table to create a faux table runner. Cloth diapers will make wonderful napkins! Start up the movie and join your companions as they watch the witty banter fly faster than the Gilmore Girls without their Adderall on the bullet train.

Mmmmmmyeeeech.

Actual Sandra Lee recipe: Italian Beef

A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Stupidity

It doesn't take much to keep me alive (with a little extra for good measure). Namely sugar free Red Bull, Gerolsteiner, Fage Total 0% yogurt, and apples. I consume each of these (almost) everyday in some order. This is weird, I know. This morning, I had them all lined up in front of my at my desk (right next to my Nalgene of water, Bigelow's Rose Salve, bottle of Motrin, Nivea Creme and picture of Michael Cera) and noticed something was off, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I cracked open my Red Bull, swallowed four Motrin, hand cremed, lip balmed, then peeled the lovely parchment back from my Fage and ate a spoonful. More delicious than ever! That's when I realized the truth. It was not Fage Total 0%, it was Fage Total (original). 20 grams of delicious, delicious fat! I immediate threw the container the four feet to my rubbish bin (FYI - I will totally consume that much fat, I'm not one of those girls, obvs, but I don't think I can do it at 8 in the morning and ruin my whole day of Christmas candy eating and hot chocolate drinking - 'tis the season!). As soon as it hit the bottom, hard, the super yogurt immediately flung itself all over me - hair, cashmere sweater, chair, keyboard... This is not a good look. And I am heartbroken. I bought quite a few of these little buggers. If you're in the area, please contact me for several containers of Greek goodness.

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