Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Guess what, homeskillet(s)?

I finally watched Juno. It took me longer than baby Juno's gestation, but I finally did it. And it wasn't easy, either. It was late, like 9.45pm on Monday night, which is about 45 minutes past my third grade bedtime, which is also my current bedtime. I didn't think I'd make it, but fortunately, my 184 Diet Cokes per day habit made it possible. I won't bother anyone with a review because it's old news, I just wanted it known that I finally bent to the will of Ellen Page and Michael Cera. And that stripper/writer chick. Or whatever.

Believe me, you don't have to be a pregnant teen to eat like that.

In other news, I spent almost all weekend thinking up terrible recipes that Sandra Lee (busty, blond "Semi-Homemade" chick on the Food Network) would perpetrate in any given situation. It's a wonderful way to pass the time when Shain goes shopping with you and hates everything that you show interest in whether you express it aloud or not. Let's say you've rented Juno and have decided to invite a few friends over to watch. Sandra would suggest dumping several cans of peas into a blender with onion soup mix for a special babyfoodesque treat to be served in adorable sippy cups. For the main course, abortion stew is started by dumping a bag of frozen, chopped onions, canned tomatoes, brown gravy mix, one bottle of beer, six quarts of the highest sodium beef broth you can find, 8 ounces shame, two cups of relief, and three pounds stew beef into a crockpot. Let the ingredients heat on low in the crockpot for no more than a trimester - you might want to complete this step in advance. In fact, why not pop in an Arrested Development DVD while you cook. The aborted series features two of the film's stars! To finish, top each heaping serving with a mixture of one jar mayonnaise, one container sour cream, one package taco seasoning mix, two tablespoons of bottled lemon juice and a dash of MSG. Sunny D cocktails - two ounces Sunny D, three shots of McCormick's tequila, ice, two tablespoons bottled lime juice, a dash each of A-1 and Tabasco - should be served in chilled baby bottles. To create a great tablescape, you need look no further than local resources! Simply stop by Planned Parenthood for condoms to toss down the center of the table, as a reminder. Check your own medicine cabinet for extra pregnancy tests from that last scare and line them up and down the center of the table to create a faux table runner. Cloth diapers will make wonderful napkins! Start up the movie and join your companions as they watch the witty banter fly faster than the Gilmore Girls without their Adderall on the bullet train.

Mmmmmmyeeeech.

Actual Sandra Lee recipe: Italian Beef


11 comments:

Andrea said...

"silencio, old man!"

i totally dug Juno... and i was late to the party, too. whatevs.

sandra lee seems like she'd smell like
pecan pie and ashtray. ew.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Uhh, wow.
Why do you take Shain shopping with you? Mistake.
Also: What, no mention of me phoning you? I figured that would have been a highlight of the weekend.

Matt said...

I would love to do this! I can't, though, because someone has my arrested development dvds...

Mr. Shain said...

i'm so confused. was this supposed to be funny? or are you trying to land a job on the food network as the new miss semi-homemade?

Julie_Gong said...

Sandra Lee is the Anti-Christ.

Step Right Up said...

Juno-you beat me to it. I'll get to it as soon as I get the 101 other things on my list achieved.

I have not heard of this Sandra Lee. They have one of the two tvs at the mini gym set to the Food Network. How WRONG is that?!

Anonymous said...

I used to hate on Sandra Lee too until I watched her biography show with my mother. She had a bad childhood and just a very hard life. This made my mother and I feel very guilty about disliking her so.

Matt A said...

"busty, blond"

So.... she's like you.

Colleen said...

i hated juno from "fertile myrtle" on. nobody talks like that. come on.

5 of 9er said...

Sandra Lee makes me want to shoot myself... I think I would if I were married to or related to her.

South To Stilly said...

If I was stuck on an abandoned island with the options of watching that movie, or eating dog shit,... I'd go for the later. No offense.

Now I want food, dammit.