Monday, July 23, 2007

Something has gone terribly wrong*

Case #1: This morning, at the fine institution of higher education in which I work, we had a little power outage. Actually, lightning struck a substation or some such nonsense so it was kind of a big outage. I don't really understand how electricity works. Blah blah blah. So, I have to pee because all I do at work is Wikipedia shit (well, not literally shit, but things like Martika (you know, from Kids Incorporated?) and the history of Sunny D) and drink Diet Coke. It is pretty, pretty, pretty dark in the "garden level" (read basement) where my office is located. Needless to say, the ladies room is pitch black. A coworker graciously offers her key chain that has one of those handy micro flashlights on it. I take it into the bathroom and light my way, till it's time for some flushing action. It all happened so fast, I can't really explain it, but the keys of the coworker ended up in the toilet. They were on a lanyard, so I caught that part before it was submerged, but the keys themselves definitely took a swim in Lake Toilet. I fished them out, banged into shit while Stevie Wondering it to the sink, and gave them a good wash. I didn't tell anyone. Does this make me a bad person?

Case #2: Monday night is Benson Family Dinner Night, since the little bro doesn't have to work. I've been having a spot of trouble with him as he has decided to live at home for his first year of college to save money (for what? I honestly don't see how the kid could spend more than he already does on various unnamed vices). I think this is a terrible idea for a multitude of reasons that I won't bore you with, but mainly I've been waiting 18 years to feel like an only child again. No sharing! So, Mother Bee-Spot outlines her concerns, chief of which is the fact that she feels that she and my father need more warning as to his comings and goings so they can best utilize the privacy. I throw up my pork chop a little (mostly because I don't like pork chops). She goes on to say that perhaps she and my father want to walk around nekkid, play loud music or even smoke pot. WHAT? My mother wouldn't know what pot smoke smelled like if it was billowing out from under my closed door stuffed with a towel. I ask her if she as promised my brother's room to Matthew McConaughey, to which she responded with something about bongos. Well done Mother Bee-Spot!

Case #3: Lacey and I went to Starfucks this evening in an effort to get some work done. She's going to be a doctor, so she has to, like, do important stuff or something. I don't know. I have to do the important work of finishing Harry Potter, which I just can't bring myself to do. I really don't want to talk about it. After we've alienated everyone in the place by laughing/snorting, ridiculing their outfits, declaring the new Paul McCartney album for old, deaf people in front of old, deaf people, examining our hair for split ends, singing Ain't No Mountain High Enough (I take the Tammi Terrell part, Lacey does her best Marvin Gaye), talking extensively about reflexive urination and ranking our best birthday experiences from 15 till present, Lacey shows me the masterpiece she's been fiddling with the whole time I've been reading one word of HPVII between snippets of convo. Behold:

Song of the day: A Change Is Gonna Come - Sam Cooke.
Funny business of the day: Business Time. Seriously kids, if you're not watching Flight of the Conchords, well, I just don't get it.

*most likely, this post.


Alex said...

#1: maybe. depends on the person i think. since it's a coworker that you are newish to, perhaps not. but it was a nice gesture. a wooden pickle indeed.

#2: eh. i have no legitimate response.

#3: finish the book. it's good. i will tell you what happens if you don't. maybe.

and finally. son of a fucking bitch. you beat me again. i was going to throw business time into a post on wedensday (which i still can't spell because i'm pretty sure that's wrong, but i don't know how). snooze+lose = me. eh, what can ya do.

Beau said...

I will comment out of order.

#3 - Starbucks will be raising their prices next week. If you do finish the book don't tell me anything, I'm waiting for the movie I just have to avoid spoilers for about 4 years. Congratulations to Lacey, she may now compete with Andrew at Scrabble.

#1 - Neighborhood #3 When the electricity goes out at work common practice is go to the nearest bar, if it has power enjoy two cold beverages then return to see if service has been restored. If still no power at work or no power at the bar go to the bar nearest home, enjoy as many beverages as you want, cuz you're done for the day.
Keys: You should only feel bad if the keychain flashlight doesn't work, or if they smell funny/bad.

#2 - It's real parents do that shit. Like play cowboys and indians all over the house while listening to Chris Isaak. It's disgusting, hope you never find out the truth.

(Tim Layne) the Homeless Blogger said...

#1 Did you wash them off? With soap? And would you want to know?


#2 I don't really understand your family situation. I was raised by a pack of wolves. I think you know what I'm talking about

#3 I think you are lying. This didn't happen. They don't let old folks into Starbucks. It's the law.

When I think about how I don't have HBO and hence can't watch Conchords, I cut myself. I hate my life.

Julie_Gong said...

I once sang Ain't No Mountain High Enough as a Lip Synch at a Rusted Root concert hosted by Volkswagon. Random I know.

They video taped it. I was wearing a fur wrap and a pirate hat. It was neat. I still have that tape somewhere.

G said...


Conchords is excellent, good of you to notice. Don't be scared of Harry, you just gotta get to the end before some idjiot ruins it for you (I am re-reading at the moment).

Lacey should clearly move to New York and be one of MY friends, since I can't have you (meanie).

Finally: urine is sterile, so while gross, you're not giving her the gonorrhea. No need to divulge

(Tim Layne) the Homeless Blogger said...

Also. Thanks. I just got done looking up the history of Sunny D. Wikipedia is like a strange prostitute. She gives and gives and gives. You never have to pay. Without it, we would basically would be Amish. Basically.

blythe said...

alex - damn right. snoozing = loosing.

beau - "Like play cowboys and indians all over the house while listening to Chris Isaak." this made me spit coffee all over my new keyboard.

tim - yes, stevie is genius. i do know what you're talking about. i'm not lying. the sb's in nompton is flooded with presorostitutes and old folks. it's weird.

julie - that needs to be up on youtube by the end of the day, mkay?

grace - i know. but it's entered my daily vernacular. because it's always happening. i've been noticing the conchords for years now. nice of you to notice. and it's a fantastic story. hopefully l-dog will post soon. you'll appreciate it, i think. reminds me of when you peed and didn't wash your hands one night before we were going out (i think when we were living in sessions remember smoking cigs at the bar at packard's?). kate called you on it and you said, classic G, i didn't piss on my hands. HA!

stewpid said...

I have a girl crush on you (and your slut shirt) for liking Sam Cooke. The man is -- words fail me. Go getcha some of the Soul Stirrers CDs. Ah. May. Zing. Plus I was born in his bday.

A change is gonna come, oh, yes it will.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Hello there:
1. Yes, it makes you a bad person, but we love and expect that from you.

2. I love Mother Bee-Spot. She sounds kinda like my mom, except my mom isn't as funny.

3. So that is how "gigalo" is spelled. Also, are there really Starbucks in OK?

Colleen said...

I see your friend was up to some really like important doctor stuff.

dmbmeg said...


CGHill said...

I've played Scrabble for four decades, and not once did I ever come up with "fartwad," even though it's worth 14 points before bonuses.

(Tim Layne) the Homeless Blogger said...

Just so you know. I'm not really an anger ball. I just play one on tv. Also, wasn't that one of the competitions on American Gladiators?

Mr. Shain said...

funny story...

mother bee-spot is not at all funny. but sometimes her alcohol and drug habits make us laugh, in a sad way. father bee-spot is a laugh riot however, and will soon has his own wildly successful blog about the OK arts scene.

we just got our first starbucks like 3 years ago. i kid you not. we're kind of a big deal now.

blythe said...

stewpid - i've been in a soulful mood lately, what can i say?

cherry - yeah, gigolo is spelled a little wrong, but it's not like l's gonna be a doctor or anything. oh wait.

colleen - there are some clinical terms, like vomit and vagina on there...

dmbmeg - yes please.

cghill - well, now you know!

tim - and now i know.

shain - i can't realy comment about my parens since they read this. we are SO a big deal now. we have 5 starbucks now. 5! we are a huge deal.

michael5000 said...

A bad person wouldn't have washed the keys. It took an especially GOOD person to do that.

d said...

1. DON'T TELL. 'cause it's hilarious, but she probably wouldn't find it so.

2. no comment.

3. fartwad

stephen said...

If the lights are out how do you know when you're done wiping?

blythe said...

michael - thank you. thank you. it was quite traumatic.

d - word,.

stephen - i've been wiping for upwards of 24 years now, so i'm pretty confident of my abilities, even in the dark.

Anonymous said...

For such a shitty blog this pile sure gets alot of comments.

blythe said...

my, what big balls you have, anonymous.


stewpid said...

anonymous is the gene shalit of shitty blogs.

MsPuddin said...

lol about the keys in the toilet; remember if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all...