Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Wine, Jidges, Bees, Song, Jeans

Wine: I've had a few glasses of wine. So sue me. I needed it for the baked polenta with mushrooms I made tonight for tomorrow night's dinner. Yeah, that's how I roll - I'm a regular Rachael Fucking Delish Ray. And since you asked, I am a kickass cook. According to me. Come eat dinner at my house. You will like it. On the menu for the past few days/weeks/whatever it all runs together when you're lonely and hungry (oh, and all made from scratch): Swedish meatballs, linguine with shrimp, parsley and garlic, chicken breasts stuffed with ham and gruyere, lentil soup, shrimp baked with feta, eggplant and tomatoes, chicken tortilla soup, grilled tequila lime cilantro chicken, blah blah blah. Yummo!

Jidges: I am totally and completely obsessed with So You Think You Can Dance. I am pretty much living Wednesday to Wednesday with unmemorable blog comments and a few (20) beers stuck in between. You have read about BreakUp06 ad nauseum, so you know that I have only cried three times since that fateful day. Well, now it's four. Tonight, when Shauna and Cedric performed Mia Michael's choreography and Debbie Allen was yelling and Mary was disappointed and Nigel was British and Mia was crying and Cedric's lips were quivering, I felt a tear - a real one. I told Lacey it was my allergies (she has a new kitten I have named Santino/Jerry Garcia), but damn it all if I didn't sniffle a bit/lot. And then, and then, Jaimie and Hok (hello most adorable baby pictures ever!) bust out some vintage Wade Robson moves which compelled him to grab his wife's hand and get all wattery eyed when the jidges began their critique. Fuck. This is only week three.

http://www.abc.net.au/reslib/200505/r46681_121977.jpghttp://z.about.com/d/realitytv/1/0/x/f/mia.jpg
I want to marry you Wade Robson, but you already have a lady. You too, Mia, but you probably already have a lady.

I think SYTYCD should allow an audience member to select a song for Wade (sorry Mia) to choreograph tomorrow's group performance. I think that audience member should be me and the song should be



Bees: I am a worker bee! That is the lamest not joke ever. But seriously, I started the new job today. You can beat me up now, because I have insurance again! But, I will fight back with my ID card and my new office and my new name plate thingy. I am already in the directory. Yay! I can go to a gym now. I can legitimately bitch about shit. I have work study kids to do my bidding. Yay!

Song: Some people are addicted to meth (Shain), some are addicted to WOW (Alex), but I am addicted to playing the same song over and over and over again until I am singing along, but realize it's not playing and I'm in the grocery store. I cannot stop listening to this song. There's something about Jenny Lewis' voice and the lyrics that is so plaintive I can feel my heart break a little bit. And it feels kinda good.


Jeans: Fuck You Seven For All Mankind piece of shit jeans. First of all, you were obscenely expensive. I mean, I could've bought a PS3. Ok, more like an iPod Shuffle. I wear you once, then you get completely stretched out, which I initially enjoy because you delude me into thinking I am skinny for about two hours before you slowly start falling down my ass revealing my crack. Then I have to wash and dry you, only to be disappointed again, but I can't get rid of you because you cost so effing much.

30 comments:

Hippo said...

Me and my jeans have the same love hate relationship. No matter the cost all jeans treat you the same way. They toy with your emotions in such an evil, sadistic way.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Blythe: If you buy your Sevens from one of those street vendors, they're not really Sevens. Sorry to burst your bubble.

But congrats again on the job and the health insurance.

Garrett Reid said...

The good news is that people will pay extra special attention to you when you are walking through the super target, singing Rilo Kiley with your ass crack showing.

Julie_Gong said...

I can't handle that I keep missing SYTYCD. I might cry. Now I have to search YouTube for clips from last nights show.

Step Right Up said...

Crack is whack!

Clinton said...

Having health insurance is fucking fantastic; I've got it now (for the first time in almost ten years) and I routinely use it as an excuse to walk into traffic/shoot heroin into my eyeballs/start street-fights with bikers/etc.

So welcome to the club!

NathanWind said...

it wasn't meant for you whore. some people are just meant to be lonely and pathetic for the rest of their lives all the while deluding themselves into thinking they're better than everyone. enjoy it.

NathanWind said...

and...scene.

Mr. Shain said...

i'm kinda over nathanwind's comments. i can't believe you wrote about SYTYCD and didn't mention the last-minute pinch dancer, all 300 lbs of her. it was a laugh riot. best show ever.

Mr. Shain said...

also, that lady judge is so going to get her own spin-off show, the hot-tamale train. you can't make that shit up.

blythe said...

hippo - you are right. jeans are evil and certainly sadistic. not like cordoroys.

cherry - you are also right. except i sold a kidney for them, so i really really hope they're real. and thanks!

garrett - boy do they. this is all part of my plan to find a husband.

julie - TiVo!!!!

SRU - unless it's mine...

clinton - thanks for the welcome. i am planning to get in a street fight on the way home.

nathan - i don't follow.

shain - not only did i notice her, but lacey noticed that she'd been on what not to wear! and oh yeah. all aboard the hot tamale train!

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Is Nathanwind your boyfriend? Jealous.

Mr. Shain said...

she's been on what not to wear?! and she still wore that skirt last night?! someone needs to be fired.

cherry, he is definitely not her boyfriend. if blythe ever gets another boyfriend, you'll know, because she'll take out an ad in the NYT, Chicago Tribune, and the London Times. also, she'll drop this blog like a dog in heat. and what exactly would you be jealous of?

The [Cherry] Ride said...

He leaves such awesome comments. That's what I'm jealous of.

Alex said...

what the hell is a jidge? the word doesn't even make any sense. [confused cat is confused].

and i believe shain is exactly right about what would happen if blythe got another gentleman lover.

AND nathan carries nothing but the intense look of a winner. i think that has to speak for something.

gelatinous goo. times two.

Alex said...

oh yeah, i almost forgot. you know you liked wow. don't deny it. we've talked about this as recently as this past weekend dammit!

Annie said...

you do look really skinny today.

blythe said...

cherry - no, nathan is not my boyfriend. my mother was his music teacher when he was in kindergarten and he has not forgiven me.

shain - jesus christ, why are you so mean to me? but you are right. is that so wrong?

cherry2 - if most of his comments didn't involve calling me a whore, i'd probably think they're awesome too.

alex - "jidge" is the weirdass way cat deeley says judge. it's confusing. i thought she was australian and it made sense, but wikipedia told me she's british, unless i read wrong. which happens.

annie - thanks! i thought i saw you today.

Mr. Shain said...

could we not talk about my meth addiction in your blog? thanks.

blythe said...

yeah, i'm going to have to say no.

Annie said...

wait, did you really think you saw me? where? were you at the bridal registry counter at bloomingdale's in oakbrook, IL and did I look like i wanted to shoot myself? if not, probs not me.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Pretty please can we talk about Mr. Shain's meth addiction in your blog? Thanks.

blythe said...

annie - i am confused by your two avatars. i am often confused, though. i think you'd be more apt to shoot yourself if you lived in oklahoma and had no bloomingdale's. i kid. i shop at target.

cherry - um, yes. you start! it's the only way i can figure he comments on every known blog. i still haven't heard how his gawker tryout went. hmm.

Dan said...

I think what blythe needs is an "electronic boyfriend", aka one that does the robot in bed.

Mr. Shain said...

ok seriously you know i have an FBI file because i worked for the state deparment, and now it includes a paged titled "documented drug use". thanks.

alex, you need to watch SYTYCD with lacey and blythe... blythe does interpretive remakes of the choreographed dances and lacey pretends to the judges and liberally talks about the hot tamale train. then they get naked and pillow fight (i've heard).

annie, blythe is skinny, like a fox. whatever that means.

cherry, you and your crow shorts can suck it. my meth addiction is not public fodder, yet. you pooped your pants.

dan, blythe and her electronic boyfriend could be the next big reality show. why don't you draw up some story boards for that.

Alex said...

shain: if she will allow it, i will do it. this sounds intriguing. not gonna lie though, i have no idea what SYTYCD is right now. ive drank myself into a stupor because i might be clinically insane and my only coping skill is glorious alcholoism. very unhealthy. oh wait. so you think you can dance. i get it know. drunk blogging is going to begin...now! shain. i like you a lot. you seem like good people. that is all.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Mr. Shain - what is this Gawker tryout thing Blythe is referring to?

Jess said...

Oh, how I love the freshly washed and dried jeans that sit where they are supposed to sit.

I love them as much as I hate the very same jeans a few hours later when it looks like I may or may not have pooped my pants.

Perhaps I should stop sitting down.

Annie said...

I don't know why the hell I have two avatars either!

blythe said...

dan - if only! i mean, if only i could get any man in bed. zing! to myself.

shain - why are you responding to my commenters? don't you have your own blog or something?

alex - don't take your work home with you.

cherry - you would know... i saw you.

jess - i know! it's utterly disappointed to start an evening with a nice ass then end it with saggy pants.

annie - maybe your other personality has an account? maybe only the cool kids get two? i need another one.