Thursday, August 02, 2007

Baby wants a corndog* (or I am getting depressed by impending birthday).

Admittedly, I am totally psycho when it comes to my birthday. Nuts to the max. Thing is, it's not like I did anything on my birthday, it was my mother (God bless her) who spent 23 hours in labor to pop me out while watching and rewatching a video tape (probably beta) of Princess Di's wedding (priorities). Still, I am always hellbent on having the best birthday day (actual day is Sunday) ever (perhaps to make up for all of the shit days throughout the year or to quell my abandonment issues - I don't know, I'll ask therapist next week - ha! the only therapist I can afford comes in a can with a lovely blue ribbon on it), but it always verges on turning disastrous. I need elaborate cakes with marzipan figurines, 12 course dinners with a proposal, the biggest Barbie dream house made, purple Huffy, the coolest slumber party of all of 5th grade, etc. It's a sickness and generally very out of character. This year, in the face of my 26th, I am putting the kibosh on any expectations. Lacey and I are going to a fancy schmancy place where we will wear dresses and heels, swill expensive wine, and gaze longingly into each other's (lonely) eyes while unsexily mispronouncing menu items. No parties. No gifts. And certainly, no boys. In spite of all of the self help books I've read (coincidentally, they also come in cans with blue ribbons), being in a relationship on the big day is how I'd prefer it. Your parents have to care because they paid for you, your friends have to care because of the guilt, but your bf/gf doesn't have to - they can cut out anytime, but there they are, caring about your birth, you know? If you are going to send me a gift, might I suggest litter boxes for all the cats I will undoubtedly begin collecting as an old maid? Also, maybe something to collect all the clich├ęs, too.

Also, the b-day is depressing because it marks another year of things I meant to do, but didn't (oh please, you are no better than me in this endeavor - don't even pretend). Well, things are going to be different this year. I vow to think about doing the following:


1. Karaoke more (by more, I mean at all, it's been far too long, perhaps for good reason, but that's pure speculation). I am horrible, yet I love it so. I mean, like painfully bad, but only because I think I'm 43% good. I'm that girl.

2. See Andrew Bird in concert. And Cold War Kids. And Feist. And make out with Craig Finn in my mind at The Hold Steady.

3. Find my signature cocktail. I have tried the sidecar, vodka tonic and Manhattan, but no luck so far. I do enjoy Hendrick's and tonic, but that's so someone else's drink. I can't survive on Pabst for the rest of my life. Or can I?

4. Learn to play the banjo.

5. Implement operation Boyfriend07. It's time. My disabled robot heart isn't getting any younger, so you know, hop to it lady.

6. NYC fall break trip - we're soooo going, Shain. You can meet my New York Boyfriend! We'll eat pancakes with G-race!

7. Get my NES to work so I can play some Zelda.

8. Not suck.

(Me, in case you can't tell.)
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http://www.cakesbyann.co.uk/Character%20Cake1.JPG

(Cake I wish I was getting, but stupid Jackson got it instead.)

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(Eternally single Cathy, my hero. Oh, she finally got married or died? Hmm.)

*Obvs, I will end up at The Deli Sunday night. Buy me a red cup or else (and a menthol cigarette)! No, don't. It's never a good idea to feed the bears.

32 comments:

Dan said...

Technically, the wedding's still on, so I'm not sure about all this boyfriend jibber jabber. I'm also not sure I approve of this comment: "the only therapist I can afford comes in a can with a lovely blue ribbon on it".

Please rescind and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

The Practical Slacker said...

Happy Birthday! I have one coming up in less than two weeks, and I just found the perfect present, if anyone is trying to win me over. Very NSFW, by the way.

stewpid said...

fancy dress dinner sounds like the way to go. I assume all nice places in OK serve Pabst...

Julie_Gong said...

Red Solo cups and menthol cigs sounds like a really classy birthday to me. And who doesn't want that!

I'd totes buy you a Solo! Happy Birthday!

JebusHChrist said...

If you learn to play the banjo, I won't be your boyfriend or marry you, but I will take you out for your birfday every year (you must bring said banjo along) and I assure you you'll have a grand time.
Lemme know

TK said...

I recommend the Old Fashioned, for the drink. Or just straight bourbon, either one.

Anyway, I'm sending you a pony. Keep an eye on your mailbox.

Christopher said...

I'm a big fan of the sazerac, but you can't really order it at local bars.

Another of my favorites is the green dragon, though I wouldn't drink two in a row. Also, it can lead to some confusion in certain situations.

Usually, I keep it old-school with an old-fashioned or a manhattan, but I'll drink pretty much anything that's not overly sweet.

michael5000 said...

I've got a birthday next week too. I'll be 38 or 39 or something. Birthdays bother me less these days, which I think is true for a lot of people. Or at least healthy, prosperous, male people.

Anyway, I'd send you a birthday case of PBR, but then you'd feel like you had to send me a birthday sixpack of Strongbow, and with postage being what it is I say we just skip the gift exchange this year. Would that be OK?

Dan said...

as far as your signature drink is concerned, feel free to peruse my post and the comments on cocktails from last year:

http://vontrapperkeeper.blogspot.com/2006/11/happy-bicentennial-cocktail.html

Dan said...

oops. the end of that is:
happy-bicentennial-cocktail.html

stewpid said...

vodka gimlet! vodka gimlet! vodka gimlet!

(Tim Layne) the Homeless Blogger said...

Two things.

1) Andrew Bird rocks my lame ass!

2) #8 (if accomplished) might hinder #5.

I'm such a douche.

Mr. Shain said...

seriously, how do you attract these people to your blog? it's like flies to shit. zing? (or just true?)

blythe said...

dan - open relationship?

practical slacker - who isn't trying to win you over? i'm afraid to click on the link. but i will.

stew - only the finest for us okies. so, actually, maybe no pabst then.

julie - thanks, yo!

jebus - hmm. if banjo playing isn't the way into your heart, i'm afraid to ask what is.

TK - pony! please tell me you poked holes in the box. a dead pony on my b-day would probably result in me drinking more than i have planned.

chris - what's in an old fashioned?

michael - ok, no exchange this year, but i make no promises for next year. happy b-da!

dan - will do when i'm done answering all my fan mail. oh, there isn't any. so i guess i'm done.

stew - what's in a vodka gimlet? for be a baby alcoholic, i sure don't know my drinks. also, i'm poor. that probably has something to do with it

(tim lame) the douche blogger - dirty! (j/k, you're not lame or a douche - hell, you're probably not even homeless)

shain ...

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Wow - I tried making the sidecar my signature drink once too! But the sidecar sucks, so the search continues.

What exactly are you doing in that photo? Are you sucking the toes of that statue??

Shain = jealous.

Christopher said...

An old-fashioned cocktail is basically lightly sweetened, lightly bittered whiskey. Lump/cube of sugar in an old-fashioned glass, splash of water, couple dashes bitters, muddle (bars usually throw in an orange slice or something), add a double of bourbon or whatever whiskey you like. Add one or two ice cubes and stir lazily.

It's not unlike a manhattan, but with the sweetness coming from sugar rather than red vermouth.

blythe said...

cherry - let's try old fashioneds together.

chris - can i get these in norman? sounds a little too complicated for the deli... speaking of which, i am so over the bar scene here. where to go?

stewpid said...

I think just vodka and lime juice. It's yummy. Sour, Refreshing. Let's all have one right now!

Jebus H Christ said...

Blythe - Ice pick in the chest, I assume. You don't want to be in my heart anyway, just in my passenger seat. That's where the fun happens.
Or my lap.

Stew - Don't mind if I do.

Big Daddy said...

I'm all about the Tom Collins.

It's like vodka lemonade.

blythe said...

stew - you know how the new yorkies all get together for happy hour? let's have a virtual happy hour! tomorrow at 6 (central), let's all down a few v.gimlets and let the comments roll. who's with me? no one? ok.

jebus - duh, i was asking for a "friend." that reminds me of the song "stickshifts and safety belts," which happens to be one of my favorites by cake. this afternoon is better already.

these might be my worse comments to date. might.

JebusHChrist said...

(not even close)

stewpid said...

Ingredients My Bar
1 oz Lime Juice Add It
1 1/2 oz Vodka Add It
1 tsp Powdered Sugar Add It

Directions
Stir all ingredients with ice, strain into a cocktail glass, and serve.

stewpid said...

ok, well I fucked that up but you get the idea

Beau said...

The ice pick has certainly picked up at the library since a group of us decided to drink them exclusively for a day. We proclaimed St. Icepick's day at the top of our (my) lungs to celebrate the day the all of the ice in Scotland was melted. Also, this is the story I'm told by the bar staff and other innocent bystanders. Also, they are cheap at the library (just the cost of a vodka shot).

JebusHChrist said...

Thanks for picking up my drink reference, Beau.

The ice pick is vodka, iced tea, and a little lemon juice. It's a good summer drink and to the bystander is looks like iced tea so you can even drink it at work.
That's why it made me think of you, blythe.

blythe said...

stew - i am really hoping your career isn't writing instructional manuals. actually, i laughed aloud. add it dammit!

jebus and beau - shit. i feel like an even bigger ass hat than usual. shoulda known - it's andrew's poison. wait, no! i openly admitted my limited knowledge of mixed drinks. i take it back. i am my usual ass hat. oh, and that sounds like a delightful holiday. it is now officially recognized by the bee-spot.

stewpid said...

add it, drink it, screw it. let's all have another, shall we?

d said...

how 'bout a lynchberg lemonade? they're perfect for the summer. and they're cool to order. or a mint julip? but you have to wear a sunhat when you order it.

don't dread your b-day. just thank whomever that you made it this far.

JebusHChrist said...

Yes. I could totally see blythe in a sunhat. Of course, it would obscure 40% of her face. Mint julips taste too minty though, which is gross, unless it's ice cream, and ice cream drinks aren't very plausible.
Have we considered PBR?

dmbmeg said...

Shain, I get to call you assface to your actual assface if you come to NYC.

Blythe, I'll treat YOU real nice. You don't worry your pretty little head. Shain can watch as I steal you away from him.

And the Cold War Kids are my latest obsession. Can I come too? Please?

Dan said...

... ok ok. open relationship.