While you are anxiously awaiting Cringesday...

read this. It's not me, but remember, this blog is about you. The reader. And if you need a judgement free zone to anonymously post, I'm here for you. It's how I do.

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Last Saturday night I went out with my roommate, her boyfriend, and two of her co-workers. Normally I go for dive bars with Smithwick's on tap, Skynyrd a permanent feature on the juke box, and there is no less than 3 alcoholics missing 40% of their teeth belly up to the bar at all hours of the night (and day). However, this time I was dragged out the the black hole of all Manhattan neighborhoods. Where nice Midwestern guys transform into Guido's with waxed pecs and hair so sharp you can impale yourself on it, and girls wear $500 4 inch open-toed heels to walk on cobblestone streets until 4 am in the dead of winter. Oh yeah, and did I mention the men in that area rape you, shove you in a suitcase and leave you in a dumpster in New Jersey? It's safe to say that every time someone drags me to that part of town, I really do fear for my life. This quaint part of town is known as the Meatpacking District (no, not a euphemism for gay sex. Sorry). You know, where you can get your fabulous couture Alexander McQueen dress next to a rotten dead bovine carcass. So there we are at this bar, and there is no air conditioning, and it's fucking hot. My roommate's boyfriend likes to complain. Yeah he is one of those. He was wearing shorts and Reef sandals which normally is a no-go in a "swanky" establishment like this, but considering he just entered the bar with three smoking hot chicks, they let him in. I'm wearing jeans, so dude has no right to complain to me about how hot he is. I don't want to hear it. So we sit down, I order my $7 Amstel (I just snapped a #2 pencil in half thinking about how ridiculous that price is for such a shitty beer. And yes, I still use #2 pencils), and we begin talking. After about 3 or so beers, my roommate's boyfriend notes about the black people standing around us (I got some junk in the trunk, so sometimes the brothas like me), "I wonder why black people don't have a lot of hair." Now let me give you a little background on yours truly before I divulge the rest of my tale. When I first arrived at the tender age of 17 (I'm young for my grade!) at the fine institution of the University of Iowa (go Hawks!), I was originally a microbiology major. However, once I realized organic chemistry was going to get in my way of Tuesday night dollar steins at Malone's, I switched my major to anthropology with a focus on human evolution/osteology. I even wrote a 50 page paper on Neandertal (no "h" for us anthropologists) mitochondrial DNA and its impact on the classification of Neandertals as a separate species or subspecies to Homo sapiens that I'm pretty sure my Human Origins professor jerked off to and used as a nut rag. So do we agree that I might know a little more about the subject than some guy who works at an insurance company and has seen Jurassic Park? I think so. So back to the douchey bar. We're staring at the black people in front of us (please no comments regarding whitey staring at the po' black folk. Wasn't like that at all), and I suggest the reason for their lack of hair was probably because their race evolved in Africa, you know, where it is hot. I think he just about shit his pants when I said this. "HOW CAN YOU FUCKING SAY THAT?!" he screamed, "ARE YOU FUCKING DUMB?" Whoa, there buddy. I go into my thing regarding why certain "races" look the way they do, from skin color (Africans have darker skin as to not burn from sub-Saharan sun) to noses, (those of us of European origins have a narrower nose which helps to warm the air we respirate from colder European air), etc. I don't need to go on. Are you asleep yet? WAKE UP! I try to explain that the first true humans appeared on this earth approximately 40,000 years ago, and the deviation of races from Africa occurred when our ancient ancestors all began to migrate out of the continent. And he raises his voice, "DO YOU THINK EVOLUTION BEGAN 40,000 YEARS AGO? WHAT ABOUT THE DINOSAURS? DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE JURASSIC PERIOD?" Oh no he di-int. Now I'm starting to get pissed. I don't respond well to people I don't know very well implying I am dumb (that pleasure is reserved distinctly for my friends), especially when they sound like talking gorillas. Actually, I take that back. That would be an insult to the gorilla. Oh, but he keeps going. "WHAT ABOUT AUSTRALIANS THEN? THEY LOOK WHITE, AND IT'S HOT THERE TOO." With clenched teeth I, as calmly as I can, respond that white people did not originate in Australia, the Aborigines did, and they are in fact, darker skinned. To argue how white people evolved in Australia is the same idiotic logic that one would try to use to explain the evolution of white people in America. He was insistent that it was all about "genetics," which if actually listened to what I said, is directly related to my point. I calmly put my beer down, shushed him, and said I had to leave. I was going to get nasty, and being that this was my roommate's boyfriend, that was a luxury I just didn't have.

On my way out, he slides in, "YOU STUDIED THIS FOR 3 YEARS? I THINK YOU NEED ANOTHER YEAR."

Buddy, you know what you need? A fucking roundhouse kick right right to the jugular. And maybe some sterilization. Just sayin'. So that's it. Thanks Blythe for letting me use her forum for a stupid rant about a subject no one cares about. Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.