Wednesday, August 15, 2007

While you are anxiously awaiting Cringesday...

read this. It's not me, but remember, this blog is about you. The reader. And if you need a judgement free zone to anonymously post, I'm here for you. It's how I do.

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Last Saturday night I went out with my roommate, her boyfriend, and two of her co-workers. Normally I go for dive bars with Smithwick's on tap, Skynyrd a permanent feature on the juke box, and there is no less than 3 alcoholics missing 40% of their teeth belly up to the bar at all hours of the night (and day). However, this time I was dragged out the the black hole of all Manhattan neighborhoods. Where nice Midwestern guys transform into Guido's with waxed pecs and hair so sharp you can impale yourself on it, and girls wear $500 4 inch open-toed heels to walk on cobblestone streets until 4 am in the dead of winter. Oh yeah, and did I mention the men in that area rape you, shove you in a suitcase and leave you in a dumpster in New Jersey? It's safe to say that every time someone drags me to that part of town, I really do fear for my life. This quaint part of town is known as the Meatpacking District (no, not a euphemism for gay sex. Sorry). You know, where you can get your fabulous couture Alexander McQueen dress next to a rotten dead bovine carcass. So there we are at this bar, and there is no air conditioning, and it's fucking hot. My roommate's boyfriend likes to complain. Yeah he is one of those. He was wearing shorts and Reef sandals which normally is a no-go in a "swanky" establishment like this, but considering he just entered the bar with three smoking hot chicks, they let him in. I'm wearing jeans, so dude has no right to complain to me about how hot he is. I don't want to hear it. So we sit down, I order my $7 Amstel (I just snapped a #2 pencil in half thinking about how ridiculous that price is for such a shitty beer. And yes, I still use #2 pencils), and we begin talking. After about 3 or so beers, my roommate's boyfriend notes about the black people standing around us (I got some junk in the trunk, so sometimes the brothas like me), "I wonder why black people don't have a lot of hair." Now let me give you a little background on yours truly before I divulge the rest of my tale. When I first arrived at the tender age of 17 (I'm young for my grade!) at the fine institution of the University of Iowa (go Hawks!), I was originally a microbiology major. However, once I realized organic chemistry was going to get in my way of Tuesday night dollar steins at Malone's, I switched my major to anthropology with a focus on human evolution/osteology. I even wrote a 50 page paper on Neandertal (no "h" for us anthropologists) mitochondrial DNA and its impact on the classification of Neandertals as a separate species or subspecies to Homo sapiens that I'm pretty sure my Human Origins professor jerked off to and used as a nut rag. So do we agree that I might know a little more about the subject than some guy who works at an insurance company and has seen Jurassic Park? I think so. So back to the douchey bar. We're staring at the black people in front of us (please no comments regarding whitey staring at the po' black folk. Wasn't like that at all), and I suggest the reason for their lack of hair was probably because their race evolved in Africa, you know, where it is hot. I think he just about shit his pants when I said this. "HOW CAN YOU FUCKING SAY THAT?!" he screamed, "ARE YOU FUCKING DUMB?" Whoa, there buddy. I go into my thing regarding why certain "races" look the way they do, from skin color (Africans have darker skin as to not burn from sub-Saharan sun) to noses, (those of us of European origins have a narrower nose which helps to warm the air we respirate from colder European air), etc. I don't need to go on. Are you asleep yet? WAKE UP! I try to explain that the first true humans appeared on this earth approximately 40,000 years ago, and the deviation of races from Africa occurred when our ancient ancestors all began to migrate out of the continent. And he raises his voice, "DO YOU THINK EVOLUTION BEGAN 40,000 YEARS AGO? WHAT ABOUT THE DINOSAURS? DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE JURASSIC PERIOD?" Oh no he di-int. Now I'm starting to get pissed. I don't respond well to people I don't know very well implying I am dumb (that pleasure is reserved distinctly for my friends), especially when they sound like talking gorillas. Actually, I take that back. That would be an insult to the gorilla. Oh, but he keeps going. "WHAT ABOUT AUSTRALIANS THEN? THEY LOOK WHITE, AND IT'S HOT THERE TOO." With clenched teeth I, as calmly as I can, respond that white people did not originate in Australia, the Aborigines did, and they are in fact, darker skinned. To argue how white people evolved in Australia is the same idiotic logic that one would try to use to explain the evolution of white people in America. He was insistent that it was all about "genetics," which if actually listened to what I said, is directly related to my point. I calmly put my beer down, shushed him, and said I had to leave. I was going to get nasty, and being that this was my roommate's boyfriend, that was a luxury I just didn't have.

On my way out, he slides in, "YOU STUDIED THIS FOR 3 YEARS? I THINK YOU NEED ANOTHER YEAR."

Buddy, you know what you need? A fucking roundhouse kick right right to the jugular. And maybe some sterilization. Just sayin'. So that's it. Thanks Blythe for letting me use her forum for a stupid rant about a subject no one cares about. Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

33 comments:

"anonymous" author said...

Yep, I wrote this, and it even puts me to sleep. Sorry guys.

blythe said...

it's not you. i think it's going to be a slow news day with the VH1 classic classic going on.

also, it might be me.

"anonymous" author said...

I can't keep up with the VH1 Classic. I'm pretty sure I see smoke coming from his keyboard.

2 comments? Pretty sure it's me. It's ok, I'm used to it.

Siobhlogger said...

i love that you spell neandertal without the h - me too (also an anthro nerd of the archaeology variety). i will definitely be linking to this post when i teach the human evo section of my class this fall b/c i end up with a lot of these jackasses who are looking for an easy gen ed. maybe they'll get it then. after the roundhouse kick, i think he needs some serious deprogramming.

Alex said...

sounds like a real winner! i'm pretty sure that everyone knows the dinosaurs just got lazy and allowed humans to evolve into industrious folk. then we killed them all to become the dominant species on the planet. it might not be in any fancy science book yet, but i hear the jury is still out on science.

"anonymous" author said...

yep, pretty sure this is the lowest amount of comments blythe has ever received.

alex-
those v. raptors were smart, yo. I mean, they can turn door handles and everything. And those cute little venom spitting things killed Newman.

Just saying, I don't think we would have had a chance against them.

Alex said...

in a straight fight, humans, of course stood no chance. but we tempted king kong with a pretty blond lady and he did the job for us, and instead of paying him with more blond girls, we pulled a screwjob and killed him. that set the precedent for all the backstabbery we see in the mafia today. it only makes sense.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

What an idiot. I love the Australian/white people comment best.

So is this Blythe's attempt at guest bloggers?

blythe said...

see look, anonymous, they like you. they really like you. more than me. wouldn't you know. the siobhlogger comment is a good sign.

Big Daddy said...

Man, your roommate's BF is stoopid.

So why do Asians have narrow eyes?

Big Daddy said...

Oops. Posted before I was done.

I get why we have all the other physical adaptations, but never understood what the eye thing was all about.

Step Right Up said...

I can totally relate to your post. I started out as an Anthro major but took the practical route of Business in the end. I don't question the individual features of the races but I do question why some of the people that step foot in my office are dumb.

stew said...

so wait, were dinosaurs really tan? Because in my pop-up book, they're all kind of pale grey - medium grey - greenish grey. Also, did dinosaurs have afros?

I have an ex-friend who used to say that her husband couldn't help leaving another girl's panties in his car by mistake, it was evolution. She drove me so insane with this argument -- I think we had it every day for three years -- that it hurts to think about it.

"anonymous" author said...

alex-
like hand to hand combat? i think this needs further analysis.

I mean, I think Segal could handle a raptor or two, while Chuck Norris and Scoot Baio could easily take out a t-rex.

Maybe?

Anyways, yes, that comment by siobhlogger made my year. For reals.

step right up-
i'm all about social darwinism. This altercation with my roommate's boyfriend would be a prime example of why I am for it.

step right up said...

I just realized you said he is your ROOMMATE'S boyfriend. That sucks since you will probably have to see him quite often.

Alex said...

perhaps "out for justice" segal could kill a few, but "fire down below" (or whichever one he was an eskimo in) would be screwed. i think a quintuplet of badassery involving perhaps jack bauer, chuck norris, john mcclane, rambo, and john matrix (arnold in the wildly underrated "commando" with allysa milano!) could probably do some heavy damage. this should be a research paper. screw it, i have my next article.

Anonymous said...

Please explain to me why different races have different general penis sizes. Go.

JebusHChrist said...

Where am I?

d said...

this whole discussion is way too intellectual. blythe, i come to the b-spot for updates on ok, music, and drinking. what gives?

roommate's bf sounds like a major 'tard. i think you did the right thing by just walking away. although a swift cock punch wouldn't have been out of order.

blythe said...

i'll let aa field responses, but

jebus - i don't know. where are you?

d - soon enough, soon enough.

"anonymous" author said...

The roommate's boyfriend has yet to show up at my apartment since the altercation. I think he knows better now.

JebusHChrist said...

I just miss my whimsy, Blythe, that's all...

blythe said...

i miss it too. wait, whose whimsy are we talking about? i'm not sure i have any.

The Mighty Horse said...

While the following has nothi9ng to do with the current post, i feel that it is still very important. I invite you to come to my place of work and I will hold you hand as we pick out beers that I can assure you are every bit as good if not better than the beers you so dearly miss.

blythe said...

i think i probably can't go there. ever. again.

nice knowing you.

JebusHChrist said...

Your whimsy, kid.

I just figgered it out.
Blythe has a boyfriend. That explains everything.

Jeannette said...

Oh shit!

Please dont blog about happiness, I dont want to puke on my keyboard.

d said...

or she's decided to become a prostitute.

blythe said...

jebus - nope. not the case. what is the case is that, if you read the ol' profile, you will notice that i work at a university. you will also notice that it is mid august in the midwest/south/heartland. you can infer that school is starting and someone is required to go to all of the orientation bullshit and work on the weekends. so maybe i do have a boyfriend - his name is work.

jeanette - nah. i wouldn't do that.

d - oh, and yes. this is true too. the university job doesn't pay much.

JebusHChrist said...

*in order to satiate his whimsy needs, he runs to read profile, hoping, praying, that it's filled with delightful Bee-Spot whimicisms he's come so accustomed to*

blythe said...

as usual, prepare for disappointment.

JebusHChrist said...

That's OK, Bee. I have 2 blogs now and I haven't written anything worth a shit for either of them in 2 weeks.
I'm so bored I'm about to go to ESPN.com.
sigh

Matt said...

"YES! That's awesome!
"You just took one in the jugular, man.
"YES!"

"You're... you're crazy man. I like you, but you're crazy."