Monday, August 27, 2007

I need an adult!

In spite of being a 26 year old woman who has indiscriminately dabbled in slut a time or two (who hasn't? don't lie) and who had a BF for a million years, I have a really hard time talking about s-e-x. I mean, really hard (ha!). Like I'd rather say vajayjay or bajingo than the v-word. I snicker when I hear boner. Saying breasts is too adult. I prefer boobies. I don't know how I've managed to get this far without being able to utter simple anatomy, but here I am, red faced, giggly and squirmy. The whole thing's quite ridiculous, really and I'm certainly not proud of it. I am an educated woman who should be able to talk about s-e-x like a normal person (whatever that means), but I just can't - without laughing a little bit. Like in the middle. The thing is, I want to learn. Is it something you're born with? Because I don't have it. I think part of the problem was having a BF from high school through, I don't know, last year whose idea of dirty/sweet talking was "hey, you wanna?" later, this would be followed up with me saying, "get that away from my butt" and then "seriously, dude, get that away from my ass" and then finally, "hey, I was talking to your mom this morning about our plans for Christmas..." and then he'd roll over. Match made in heaven. I need 900 operator training. Is there a workbook? Remember when Elaine whispers dirty nothings into Jerry's tape recorder and they all fall for her? Just sayin.'


TK said...

"You wanna"... sadly, this was a running joke for me and my friends for years. I had no idea anyone used it in the real world.

Also - "bajingo"? I have never heard that word. And now I will never stop saying it. So thanks for that.

Dan said...

I prefer boobies too. bacon scented boobies. So, y'know, could be worse. Instead of having a problem with dirty talk, you could be saddled with a bacon scented boobies fetish. Do you have any idea how much more hookers cost once you break out the pork products?

Dan said...

Also, on the subject of 900 operators, and in my stable of true stories from Florida that no one believes, I used to know a 900 operator in Tampa. She was a 55 year old goth woman who hung out with my neighbor and commissioned a painting of Bela Lugosi from me. Having her as my mental image of a 900 operator has saved me quite a bit of money on my phone bill over the last 10 years.

I shouldn't be mean, though. She was very open to the whole bacon scene.

5 of 9er said...

I snicker when I hear boner too. Remember Boner from Growing Pains... you might be too young for that one. What a name... Boner.

dmbmeg said...

It's like ripping off a band-aid dude. Everyone likes to hear dirty talk.

Once you get going, and you see that the guy you are with isn't laughing at the shit that is coming out of your mouth, you'll get more comfortable.

My advice? Always drop the word "cock". "Dick" works too, but it isn't nearly as effective. Go'head! You can do it!

What was harder (ha) for me was dropping the p-bomb when referring to my lady parts.

Clinton said...

I prefer the all-inclusive "nethers" when discussing either men or women's downstairs parts. It adds a touch of old-timeiness to the sex act which I feel is sorely lacking in this modern age with the iPods and the CSPAN and the Robocops.

Jess said...

I'm not sure where exactly it fits on the spectrum, but my last boyfriend always used to use the variations of "make love."

It was all I could do to keep from laughing my ass off every time he said it.

blythe said...

tk - yeah, it was bad. and not like good bad, bad bad. and bajingo isn't mine. i watch too much scrubs.

dan - i've said it before and i'm sure i'll say it again: we are so meant to be.

9er - i'm older than i look. i hated that he was named that word. still can't say it.

dmbmeg - i knew i could count on you. i just don't think i can say c*ck for real. i guess i'll just have to practice around the office.

clinton - better than nethers is downstairs. i'm totally using that. and CSPAN. CSPAN gets me so hot.

jess - i would rather make puke than ever hear or utter the words make love. mature, no? but so it goes.

CrimeNotes said...

I wouldn't take advice from dmbmeg on ... anything?

Anonymous said...

blythe, start rooting for the Gamecocks and you'll be saying cock like never before!

Big Daddy said...

Man, every time I hear vajayjay, I automatically think of this.

dmbmeg said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
dmbmeg said...

Your words hurt you know.

Now, I'm off to go calculate Fred Russell's career rushing yards as a Cyclone before I go use my roll of Boots at the pussy bar.

CrimeNotes said...

Now, I'm off to go calculate Fred Russell's career rushing yards as a Cyclone before I go use my roll of Boots at the pussy bar.

Well done, madame.

The Practical Slacker said...

Being from the South, shouldn't you be using the words "hoo-hoo" or "cooter"? I suggest you start doing this immediately.

The most interesting term I've seen recently came from an ethnologist who studied the people living in the Arkansas Ozarks: twitchet.

Flop said...

When did Fred Russell play for Iowa State?

Michael5000 said...

Are we talking about talking about s-e-x, or about talking during s-e-x? Because it's different. For instance, your gynecologist doesn't want to hear that naughty shit.

blythe said...

CN - hey now.

SRU - cock!

big daddy - incidentally, your name might come up... ha! see what happens when i try? horrible. great clip though.

dmbmeg - you might be speaking your own language there. it's probably sexy?

CN - yes.

TPS - haha. very funny. what do they call it up in MA? hoo-hooer and cootah? see, this is a terrible idea.

silent sex for me.

blythe said...

flop - hey, look who does't care! me! boomer! sooner! yeah, fine. it's ok.

michael - good point of distinction, but i'm talking about all aspects sex. i said it!

TK said...

The words are pretty much the same in MA (at least in my parts). Although I have heard people use the word "smash". As in "did you get a look at that broad's smash?" I overheard that at a... um... gentlemen's club.

Too much info?

Silent sex? Where's the fun in that?

The Practical Slacker said...

LOL. I hadn't even thought about the implications of a New England accent on slang terms for the female bits. Can't you just picture Ted Kennedy:

"So, ah, Ms. Lewinski, it was at, ah, this point that the president inserted the cigahh into, uh, your cootahh."

Dan said...

silent sex can be good and dirty if every time one person makes a sound, the other one speaks in the old teeth-clenched whisper shout and says "shut the fuck up! shut your fucking mouth you fucking whore!" stuff like that.

CrimeNotes said...

Flop: There was a moment a couple months back where dmbmeg, in the space of about 30 seconds 1.) asserted that she graduated from Iowa State, and 2.) claimed to have no idea who Fred Russell is.

See, now that I've stopped blogging, I'm apparently Bee-Spot as a sort of public platform.

blythe said...

TK - i am loving smash. like loving it. like gonna turn lesbian to use it loving it.

the practical slacker - i know, rght? hysterical! what other regional sex words are funny?

dan - i love you.

crimenotes - hey, it's ok by me. you can always guest it up over here... or take over. still thinking of pulling the plug.

Colleen said...

One thing that really helps dispel sex-talk discomfort is being friends with a lot of funny sluts.


I miss New York.

(Sorry if I posted this twice. Technical difficulties.)

Dan said...

bee-spot - I'm wearing a thong made of bacon right now.

practical slacker - I owe you some bacon.

(and stay out of the kitchen for a while.)

Michael5000 said...

I wish the girlfriend of the guy who lives across the street and two houses down was into silent sex. I'm all for sharing your joy, but geez, there are people in our ZIP code that have to work in the morning.

Big Daddy said...

One word for Oprah's vajayjay out her in Colorado is Poudre Valley [Poo-durrh].

JHC said...

Tittays, coochie, pole, and grind.
Say them about 20 times a day.
Problem solved!

blythe said...

colleen - that is definitely what i'm missing. i've managed to only make friends with dudes since i moved back to the OK. mistake #3,572.3

dan - pictures?

michael - ha. i know. i have some pretty inconsiderate roommates. unfortunately, they're my parents, so i can't really tell them to shut up. i joke. i mean, not about living with my parents, but the other part.

big daddy - poudre? i can go with that. anything not to say the v-word.

jhc - you are a problem solver. i'll say that every morning after serenity now.

consider me cured - because, last time i checked, it turns out, i am an adult.

d said...

i like saying 'jiggly bits'.

also, big daddy, poudre is also a canyon and a river and up in fc we say, 'i'm goin' up the poudre' all the time.

gets infinite number of laughs.

i don't think really anyone is that comfortable saying certain words in polite society. some people do just for the shock value. people like me.


Dan said...

here's one.

Big Daddy said...

Dan - I'm partial to the bacon flavored toothpicks.