School House Schlock*

One of my multiple roles within my position of Tween Wrangler is Confiscator of Notes. I've written a lot of notes in my day [in fact, Big Mve 07 unearthed a cache of old college notebooks, one bearing a lovely little ditty that I wrote to L-Ma about Maasai warriors and the Kalahari Desert. It's quite clever, except not. It's a lot harder to rhyme Maasai warrior and Kalahari than one would think]**, but kids these days. I intercepted one last week where this kid endlessly praised this chick's ass. You don't have an ass when you're 12. You're still shopping at Limited Too. I read another one today over a girl's shoulder. She was saying I was mean. She later asked me for help and I told her, 'no, I'm mean.' And because I really am mean. I was imagining what kind of middle school note my life would inspire at the moment. I think it would go like this:

Hey L-Ma,

Wuz up? I am sooooo bored, so I'm writing you this note. Did you watch The Hills this week? I feel so badly for Lauren. Can you believe Whitney fell? She had linebacker shoulders in that uglyass dress. I hate Spencer. Heidi is so stupid for not dumping his lame ass. I think [redacted] likes you. You should totally go out with him sometime. I wish [redacted] would call me. Whatever. His loss. Do you wanna go to the mall this weekend? I need some camo shorts from Abercrombie with a -2 inch inseam. They're going to be soo hott. Did you hear that John Edward's wife's cancer came back? That totally sucks, but he's still cute. Should I get a Brazilian? Ok, no. I think I'm gonna go off birth control since I'm never having sex again. I'm totally going to spend that extra $34/month on cd's. :) I can't wait for Grey's tonight! Wanna watch it in my room? Oh right, you have TIVO. Sweet! I feel fat. Do you think I'm pretty? Am I prettier than [redacted]? GTG, the bell's ringing.

TTYL, KIT, ROTFLMAO, LOTR, WOW, MSG, STP, MADD, PCP, UPS, MCAT, LSAT, AARP, NCAA, NAACP, NBC, MTV, NASA, H.O.M.E.S., U.N., SWV, SVU, JAG, BLT, GLBTA,

Blythe (in bubble letters, of course)

p.s. On Wednesday's we wear pink.

*I'm not entirely sure what "schlock" means.
** This post is almost entirely grammar free.