Sitck Shifts and Safety Belts

First of all, let me apologize. 1) That was the worst Goulet Wednesday News Round Up in the history of the Goulet Wednesday News Round Up and there have been some pretty low moments for the Goulet Wednesday News Round Up. 2) The following post is semi-emotional, therefore boring and not remotely humorous.

Due to Break Up 06 (ok, and in part to Side Sweeping Bangs 07 a.k.a. trip to mulletville), I'm (still) kind of an emotional mess. Surprising, I know. Lately, when I envision myself as the star of a late 80's music video, I've been seeing myself in a suit singing (most likely purchased from the J.C. Penny's boys department) "Simply Undateable*" in front of a background of sleek, guitar wielding models a la Robert Palmer, but instead of singing "she's so fine, there's no telling where the money went," I omit she's, so, telling, where, the and went. You see, as much as I've bitched about it, I'm not really relationship ready. I'm still stuck in no-one-will-ever-really-like-me-in-fact-I-refuse-to-
believe-that-any-boy-actually-wants-a-girlfriend
land as a direct result of the emotional pummeling inflicted by the exbf. It's not fair to blame all of this on him, you say, to which I say, you didn't know him.

This, however, does not stop me from noticing the stirrings of emotions in my aforementioned robot heart made of scrap metal from the future (it is spring, after all). This weekend, I was watching 13 Going On 30 (whatever, I was hungover) and almost cried when I thought Mark Ruffalo and Jennifer Garner's characters weren't going to end up together. But tears rust. I've had a few opportunities here and there, let me tell you. Ok, I won't tell you because you probably want proof or something. Anyway, I "choose" to be single. It's best for all of us, trust me. However, this does not stop me from wanting certain aspects of coupledom. I want to stay in some Friday night playing board games or something equally uncool and know that it's perfectly alright because I will be sleeping with that person later and that's way better than slowly getting drunk at a bar alone - not that I do that - no really, I don't. I want to take a nap with someone in the middle of the day. I want them to think my soft snoring is cute (FYI it's neither soft nor cute - sorry) and let me burrow into their arm-nook. I want to wake up without thinking I just wasted half an hour. In the words of my heroine, Liz Lemon, "I just wanna listen to you play Halo until I fall asleep." But, apparently, such intimacy is preceded by uncertainty, awkwardness, vulnerability and the promise of fancy underwear and, frankly, I'm just not really down with any of that at this point. Tell me you like me and I won't believe you. Call me to ask me out and I won't answer. In other words, I am awesome.

In an effort to make myself feel better, I got new shampoo. I am a cheap bitch in most respects. I usually get the Suave knock off stuff, but while at the grocery store this weekend, I decided to take it up a notch and get Pantene. But not just any Pantene. Pantene Blond Expressions (insert joke about blond expressions here). I used it this morning, and let me tell you, am I pleased with this purchase (about $6.43). My hair was not blonder, per se (mainly because it's not really to begin with), but it was super shiny, soft and smelled like a sexy older lady.

*75% sure "undatable" is either spelled wrong or not really a word.