Tuesday, May 08, 2007

An open letter to Mr. Shain

Dear Shain,

You're good people, I know, but honestly, it's a good thing you're heading back to LA (any day now, right?) because, simply put, you are making me fat(ter). Here is a sample convo from our "friendship" for those who are unfamiliar:

Blythe: Hey Shain, how was school?

Shain: blah blah blah I'm making fun of your mom blah blah blah that's unfortunate

Blythe: Yeah, my whole life is pathetic, I know.

Shain: blah blah blah what's wrong with your hair? blah what are you wearing? what is that? blah.

Blythe: This? I just got it. Thought it was cute.

Shain: Uh huh. Interesting. Except not. Want to get some ice cream?

Blythe: We're at a bar.

Shain: (turns to server) Yes, we'll have the chocolate delight. Two spoons.

Blythe: I don't like chocolate.

Shain: (pats my thigh) Sure you don't. Sure you don't.

Blythe: (Guiltily shoving brownie into my mouth, washing it down with beer.)

No more random pastry. No more brownies with beer at 11pm. No more ice cream on hot afternoons. No more midnight waffles.

In fact, as I am writing this, you just called and asked if there will be ice cream at the show tonight. You say you are joking, but I am learning to understand your language of sarcasm and lies and believe that there is a hint of truth in the question. My pants are on strike. They seem to no longer want to fit. Also, my addictive personality can't take this temptation. I'm all stocked up in that department with beer and bad TV. So, it was fun while it lasted, but take your Sprinkles and Pinkberry and shove it.

Love in Christ,

Blythe

4 comments:

Alex said...

i generally feel that closing a letter with "In Christ" is more fun and effective than "Love in Christ". mostly because it makes less sense. in fact, i have no clue what it means at all.

Julie_Gong said...

ice cream is so delicious though...

Mr. Shain said...

first, ice cream is indeed delicious.
second, your hair is really shiny.
third, we didn't even get spoons, so that shows how unreliable your testimonial skills are.
fourth, you don't really have a car.
fifth, you'll regret this when you have no one to eat with anymore and all these same conversations happen with your mother because she's your only friend now (but she's skinnier than you).
lastly, ice cream is delicious.

blythe said...

yes, i know that ice cream is delicious.

what did we eat with then? i'm not an animal, you know.

my mom says my best friend is me.