Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Cringesday: I am a d-bag edition.

Since this is a judgement free safe space*, I feel like I can really be honest in my admission of extreme ultimate douchiness. Actually, it's not that bad. I'm a "sweet" "person" for the most part. Sweet like a chocolate chip cookie from Subway that's fallen between the cracks of your car seat, lost to the elements, beginning to mold. I will profusely thank strangers for holding my place in the insanely long grocery store line because I forgot to grab another 12 pack of Diet Coke Plus, but I will know you for the better part of 10 years and forget your birthday. I have a sack full of gifts at the foot of my bed just waiting to be shipped to long lost friends. What am I waiting for? I have no idea. You will tell me I look nice and I will reply, "really?" or "are you suffering from hysterical blindness?" I will look at you like you showed up for a PETA meeting in a veal suit. I overlook all of the little things. I will get a piece of glass stuck in my foot, you will retrieve a band-aid and alcohol swab, take my dirty foot, swab and bandage while I continue to lecture you about Shakti and yonis or some useless shit without skipping a beat. I will ask you to dinner, but then forget to check my phone to see if you've responded, meanwhile making other plans because I think you've forgotten me. Basically, my awesomeness knows no bounds. But I will try to be better. Do better.

*This is, of course, categorically untrue.

9 comments:

Mr. Shain said...

i hadn't noticed.

Dwight said...

Sounds pretty normal to me.

blythe said...

really? then why do i spend so much time feeling like an asshole? i'd lke to not.

d said...

we're all douchebags. but most of us are too self centered to notice when other people are douching it up.

Michael5000 said...

You're kind to random blog-crashers. That should count for something.

G said...

Douchiness can happen to good people, B. The first step is admitting you have a problem.

Of course, that you're a douche will probably prevent you from doing anything about it. But it's a step, at least.

Big Daddy said...

I will know someone for ten years and still not remember their name.

So, in comparison, you're not so douchey.

5 of 9er said...

Just not a fan of the Diet Coke Plus... it tastes funky.

i like cheese said...

I can be a huge d-bag, but unfortunately I do notice doucheyness in others. It's a horrible way to live, I tell you.