Wednesday, September 19, 2007

It's a vajungle out there.

Do you know what's worse than having your annual down there doctor appointment? Taking off work, sort of pruning your lady garden (more than I would ever consider for any boy - or girl, this is an equal opportunity blog), busting your ass on I-35 to get there, then arriving 10 minutes late because your work study took her sweet time to show up to cover you so that some nice woman says that you'll have to reschedule. I had mentally prepared for days. And all for naught. Ladies, I think you know what I'm talking about. And it's not even really about shoving stuff up there - I'm used to that. It's more about answering all of those G-D questions. And being weighed. Judgement city. Yeah lady? You're going to look at me like that? You're wearing zebra striped scrubs topped off with neon green Crocs with those little Croc accessorstupids (probably little OU footballs and such) stuck in them. And yes, nice lady nurse, you're right to judge. Reschedule this bitch! Mama needs a refill.

25 comments:

Oprah said...

My vajayjay is painin'.

blythe said...

OMG Oprah commented on my blog!

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Thank god I'm a boy.

flop said...

Your lady garden is quite attractive and well-trimmed, Blythe. I bet it takes a veritable battalion of professionals to maintain.

d said...

WHOA! hold the phone. i so didn't expect to be talking about lady parts right now.

once again, i'll echo cherry's thought, but in a much crasser way: i thank god every single day that i have a penis.

Mr. Shain said...

oprah:: see you sunday

blythe:: i had mark tell her about it. she's a huge fan (pun intended!)

[cherry]:: don't you mean "boi" (zing)

flop:: having just returned from a date with blythe, i can tell you that the bee-spot lady garden is sometimes neglected for months at a time (sad face). however recently there's been a special vistor to the garden, hence the well groomed state as seen in the photo. did i mention this visitor sneaks through her bedroom window? because he does. to visit the garden. indeed.

d:: i'm not sure that's what [cherry] meant, but here's to penises (peni?)!

dmbmeg said...

SHAIN! BAD SHAIN!

Mr. Shain said...

p.s. tmi to the max!

(and you love it dmbmeg)

Beau said...

Is that why they put those signs up around the neighborhood, because of a speed humper sneaking through people's windows at night?

crimenotes said...

hope your vagina's doin' okay ...

G said...

10 minutes late and they have to reschedule? What? Like they wouldn't have made you wait 10 minutes anyway to fill out stupid paperwork about grandpa's heart attack back in '97. Lame.

G said...

Masa is cute and bald and bass-voiced. I heart him and his magic fingers of sushi goodness. Also, I am a little drunkipants.

blythe said...

cherry - sure you are. sure you are.

flop - why thank you and yes, yes it does. except not.

d - yeah, tmi. sorry. but it'd been at least a week since i'd talked about sex or the crotchular area, so... quotas to meet, etc.

mr. shain - thanks, buddy. you're the best!

dmbmeg - agreed. but, also, that's why i love him.

shain - yeah, yeah.

beau - yes, so watch out! you live close enough for concern.

crimenotes - really? i think you're just saying that.

g - i know, right? i even offered to fill out paperwork after. but no. they're tards.

and, i already texted you of my jealousy, but now i will comment you. so.ridiculously.jealous. drunkipants. my favorite kind of grace.

step right up said...

Next time the doc makes you wait for 10 minutes tell that zebra stripe wearin' nurse that the doc will need to reschedule with you because your p***y time is precious and the doc exceeded her wait limit.
Or you could not maintain the lady garden, show up for the appointment, and when the exam is conducted you can say,"Since you made me reschedule last time, you get unmanicured lady garden. Welcome to the jungle doc."

blythe said...

ha! my p***y time is precious! ha!

blythe said...

ha! my p***y time is precious! ha!

Jess said...

I agree, blythe, that the worst part of the lady bits exam is the judging. I got my paperwork in the mail to fill out for my appointment in two weeks and I already feel like I'm being judged.

So, I lie. Especially about how much I drink. Why, if you look at my health questionnaire, you'd think I was a teetotalling, born-again virgin. Yay me!

Fuckwits.

Beau said...

I do live close, I better stop storing my condoms and flavored lubricants on the windowsill.

P.S. Look out for a guy with a handful of Roughriders and a bottle of Pina Colada Wet.

Alex said...

[redacted] just goes to planned parenthood for her refills. first class all the way. she even forced me into going once. it was a terrifying experience that will probably not be replicated until the day one of my swimmers gets industrious and bypasses the local defenses leaving the world to have to deal with my spawn.

Derek said...

I didn't know you had a blog...forgive me if I don't read back a year...unless you blasthemed(sp) me in which case I already know...I may come back to Norman in October for the first time in 5 years...beware...or be ready...your choice

blythe said...

jess - yes and yes. also, nice use of fuckwits. it has now officially re-entered my vocabulary.

beau - look out for him or look for him?

alex - and what a great day that will be.

derek - !!! october!? dream come true. you must call! # on facebook. i'm ready!

So@24 said...

i shuddered while reading this. i don't know how you guys do it. godbless.

flop said...

Way to welcome all those stamens into your garden, Blythe. Just "bee" careful with the pollen.

And congrats on your Sooners winning in T-town, thus leaving you an entire Saturday to enjoy Suntory Time in front of the TV.

Mr. Shain said...

blythe, as a part-time employee of *The Life & Times, i'm sad to inform you that you're exempt from playing "Monday Morning Mocha" at *The Life & Times.

stew said...

I had to go to the doc recently, for my pretend syphilis, and I got through the awful parts by gritting my teeth and vowing to KNOCK THEM OUT with my blood pressure numbers.

Once when the doctor asked if I was sexually active, I said, "no, I just kind of lie there and let him do the work." Boo-ya, pervert.