Dating blows.

Ok, so I'm semi-newly single (four months and counting, I think, one of which I was completely off my rocker and/or in Oklahoma, so that doesn't count) and I've had adventures in drunken hook-ups, one night stands, internet dating, semi-real dating (dating is such a stupid, fucked up word), alone time, fling in another city, development of moderate crush, etc, but nothing really to write home about yet - well, that I remember. And you know, I think I'm a pretty good date. My mom says I'm pretty and my friends tell me I'm funny when they're drunk, plus I've got a fairly decent sized rack (let's be honest, more than fairly). I'm not an idiot (according to the massive student loans I've accrued from what they tell me is a good school), socially awkward only 65% of the time, can carry on a conversation about Paris Hilton or immigration reform (not to mention the candle manufacturing industry) and am pretty easy. So, I don't get it. I'm freaking awesome. Where's everyone else? If you possess the following or know someone who does, please do not hesitate to contact me:

1. You most likely have glasses and are slightly nerdy.
2. You should have an appreciation for family guy, aqua teen, futurama, simpsons, south park, reno 911, sienfeld, curb your enthusiasm, arrested development, the sopranos, lost, anchorman, super troopers and wet hot american summer.
3. You read (good) books and then we talk about them (seems simple enough, but surprisingly not so).
4. You are funny. At least as funny as I am, which is pretty goddamn funny. Or at least get what I think is funny. Because if you don't, you're clearly not funny anyway and it's just not going to work.
5. You accept my insatiable need to know all things celebrity and pop culture and won't throw away my copies of US Weekly or In Touch (points if you know what those are) to make room for Utne or the New Yorker.
6. You play (real - beirut is for pussies) beer pong or are willing to learn (and get your ass kicked by me).
7. You understand the need for a 30 rack of Bud Light on a Saturday night. Or Wednesday (maybe Tuesday) for that matter.
8. You don't shun naps, in fact, you are an advocate of midday napping.
9. You have the cliched dream of doing the Sunday Times crossword puzzle in bed (we don't have to do it, though, just talk about it). Instead, we can listen to This American Life on Sunday nights.
10. You will watch OU football with me and discuss the travesty that is Adrian Peterson's injury.
11. I am stereotypically bad at math. You are ok with that (hopefully because you're good at it).
12. You compliment my shoes.
13. You refuse to go the mall. After I've made you go to the mall, you put up a huge fight when I ask you to hold my bags while I look at this one pair of shoes for just a minute.
14. You want to hold hands for no longer than 30 seconds at a time.
15. You won't make fun of me for literally counting down the days till the next Harry Potter movie.
16. You will try anything once.

Seriously, is that so much to ask?