Dear baby,

no, you still don't have a name.  In any event, I was eating some kind of chocolate something or other this earlier today as a little pick me up because I only have energy from about 10am until 10.05am and need constant refueling and dropped part of it into the boob region of my dress, apparently, because hours later, when I looked down, I had a big ol' chocolate smear below my boobs, but above my belt, which sits right on top of you.  I think what I'm trying to say is thanks for creating a little hiding spot for my slovenliness.  I owe you!

Oh hey there, week 36...

So, one more week and bambino is fully baked!  Not that I want to see him before week 40 when he's officially done, but it's good to know he can safely delivered at 37 weeks should something freaky happen.  WHICH IT WON'T.  Because I am not ready.  Mentally (public pooping during delivery - cannot even contemplate), physically (will miss him chilling in utero), financially (do you know how much it's going to cost to pop this guy out?!), habitationally (new word meaning we haven't quite set up the nursery/anything... we have it - we just can't decide how to arrange).

In the meantime, feeling pretty ok aside from some serious, but unpredictable fatigue, like I might have face planted at my desk today (not really, but it was close) and lots of soreness.  Everywhere.  It's like I've gone for a month long hike.  It's terrifying, because this is the easy part!  Being pregnant and giving birth, while daunting, doesn't hold a candle to everything that's about to come next.  Nervouspants!

To celebrate my constantly ballooning body (as in, cannot successfully reach toes), I got a pedicure after work today.  It was orgasmic.  For $35, someone agreed to massage my feet and calves while applying all kinds of delightful substances to soothe and soften followed by a hot stone* treatment topped off with deep berry polish. IT WAS SO GOOD, I'VE GOT TO GO ALL KANYE ABOUT IT.  I wish I could have that every day.



*Please do not tell me that hot stone pedicure thingies are bad for pregnant ladies or I will cry. Not that you will see me, but you'll know.

Hey baby, hey baby, hey.

I've been getting songs with the words "baby" and "baby boy" in my head a lot lately, which is, of course, weird because they're mostly totally inappropriate, e.g. Sean Paul and Beyonce's summer anthem from a million years ago.  And that's what I'm thinking about this Friday night as I've been relegated to the couch due to an overzealous session with a burrito at Freebird.  I know I've talked about it before, but now I really mean it.  There is no room for food in my body any longer.  Not even half a veggie hybrid (the smallest one they make).  I have begged and pleaded with K to stop me from shoving anything and everything edible within my path into my face, but I think he's afraid of my probably reaction.  As he should be.  But dude!  Help a girl out!  Yeah, I might beat you up now, but I"ll probably think about thanking you later, before I forget.  In any case, I'm washed up on the couch with Z-town watching some TLC, heating pad blazing on my back while watching your little limbs make waves on my belly.  While I'm excited* for your arrival, I'm really going to miss my little internal roommate.  I'm sad thinking about it now. 

*"excited" is my PC way of saying scared shitless.

Week 35 Update

...

But seriously folks, I am hobbling around like an old lady with advanced osteoporosis.  Suddenly, it's like the uterine explosion has ransacked my muscles, tendons, ligaments and all that stuff in my pelvis, upper thighs, hips and where ever my abdominal muscles are hiding and I can't move.  Like literally.  I never knew what people meant when they "threw their back out, can't come into work today" but I totally get it now.  I could not get out of bed this morning.  Like at all.  Like I might as well have been paralyzed.  Weird.  After some Tylenol and application of heat, I can move around, but dang!  Can't do this every day.  Not sure if the answer is more or less activity, prenatal massage, a chiropractor, consistent application of heat and Tylenol or living in a swimming pool/bath tub, but I gotta figure out something.  Five weeks to go and I got a lot of stuff to do...

I think little dude's doing well, though.  He's developed all new moves due to his increasingly cramped quarters.  I still can't tell what's what, but I'm happy to know he's wiggling around in there. He gets the hiccups several times a day and has dance parties mostly early morning/late night.  They say those patterns continue after birth.  Yay!  At least he won't be tap dancing on my bladder once he makes his escape.  So, all in all, I still feel very fortunate that I've felt so well (aside from the occasional nervous breakdown/crying fit, random bout of extreme nausea, protesting digestive system, disagreeable muscles, sciatica, double chin growth, sometimes severe fatigue and giganto boob syndrome) and think I can hang on till he gets here without totally losing it, but that's still over a month away.  We shall see...

Oh, and all of the week 35 updates say he's the size of a honeydew, which he was last week.  Of course he's not honeydew like at all now or then. I don't know why they insist.  Now he's the size of a five pound baby...  because he is.

It's here!

What you ask?  B H D L N.  That's right.  Anthropologie now has a bridal boutique.  I'm pretty sure there are like thousands of women out there who are about to leave perfectly adequate marriages in a shambles so they can remarry wearing one of these creations.  Now I just need to find someone to con into marrying that will let me blow $4000 on a wedding ensemble and I'm in business!

 

Swoon. 

Wanna see something scary?

It's bee-spot with eight months and almost two weeks (34.75 weeks total) of baby growth! These are horrible iPhone photos. I look like a knocked up Heidi Klum in real life instead of a troll that swallowed a dwarf in a $5 Old Navy turtleneck and maternity jeggings.  Some people get to be cute pregnant chicks.  I am not one of those people.  It's all boob and belly.  But not for much longer!

We used to be friends a long time ago...

Just kidding!  We're still friends, Veronica Mars!  After exhausting the obvious Netflix watch instantly choices, we decided to start Veronica Mars from the beginning.  It's a Rob Thomas show and he's the dude that did Starz's Party Down* series, so we thought, what the hay.  Also, I watched part of the last season when it aired and remembered it being pretty rad, for what it was.  Right, so about 30 hours later, we're halfway through season two and I.Am.Hooked.  This shit is awesome!  Thanks to yet another snow day (day 5.5 of the year - holy crap), we're knee deep in mystery!  Yay!  I just needed to share my TV joy.  Thanks.

*If you have not yet watched Party Down, you must.  It's hi-larious.  Its Netflix presence is elusive, but worth it.  Not sure why they insist on posting the seasons in random pieces, but try anyway.

Oh my sweet lord. I will literally die if this happens.

 

via BWE

13lbs and 2oz.  Holy shizz!  But seriously, since I haven't gained that much weight total (although it would appear so, but if you mention anything to my face about weight gain I will punch you) this is impossible, but terrifying nevertheless.  Must not read further.  Oh god.

Week 34 Update

It's a honeydew!  Can they not find something more baby shaped? Seriously.

Good news/bad news: went in for the 32/33 week sonogram to make sure everything's on track, which it is, in fact, little dude's weighing in at 4.5 lbs.  He best slow down on the growth.  I am not squeezing out a nine pounder, no way, no how.  Unless that's what happens, of course.  The perinatal guy said everything's a-ok, except that my amniotic fluid is down a quart, not really, but it's on the low side.   I was told to hydrate, hydrate, hydrate and come back in two weeks to see what the dilly is.  Luckily, I've got resources (Dr. Matthews) with OB/GYN hookups that say that had there really been an issue, I'd have been put on bedrest immediately.  Here's hoping that doesn't happen.  I can't afford that mentally, physically or financially.  Dude's got to stay in the oven until at least my due date so I can use every speck of leave I've earned.  Yay for no maternity leave!  In the meantime, I can't imagine drinking more water than I already do, but I'm trying!

My new best friend.

I can't believe I have less than two months to go.  Unfuckingreal.

House Arrest - Day Three: The Extreme Ultimate Cabin Fevering.

Ohmygoodlord, we are still trapped in our tiny abode by the snowlocaust (too soon?  yes).  My car is in the shop (dropped it off on Monday, haven't been able to retrieve it yet, but when I do, new brakes!  Yay.  Not.  Less money is more like it.) and K's car is all the way up our gravel driveway with a foot of snow 20 feet long blocking our way to our unplowed street that we couldn't get down even if we wanted to.  So, laying low again.  It's all I can do not to buy the whole internet.  Online shopping is the devil when you're bored to death, so to combat my compulsions, I forced myself to sleep in until 9am!  Gasp!  Actually, it wasn't forced as much as my body is totally feeling all eight months of baby these last few days.  Sciatica?  Check.  Weird lower pelvic pain because my bones are literally splitting apart? Check.  Stuffy nose due to recent sickness and hormones?  Yuppers.  So, TylenolPM was my best friend last night and I slept it off this morning.

On today's agenda: watching all 10 episodes of Carrier on Netflix, via PBS.  It's actually really interesting.  There was a This American Life about the inner workings of an aircraft carrier and this series shows life aboard the Nimitz as it navigates its way from the west coast of the US to the Persian Gulf.  Yes, K and I are super nerds.  Duh.  Also, on the agenda, Zeb unearthing every single toy he's ever had and leaving them as little landmines for us to step on when he's not snuggled up with me inevitably causing one of my limbs to go numb but I won't move because he's so sweet when he's asleep!  The only time!  I have a bad feeling that there might be an online purchase made later this afternoon (I think we need this) and perhaps a batch of blondies thrown into the oven for good measure.  But in the meantime, I'm reading a new blog: Young House Love.  It's rad!  These peeps are so inspiring!  Get on it!

I'm so ready to get out of here!  Yeah, no work is nice (but I can't help but think of the crap piling up second by second back at the office), and spending time with K and Z-dog is awesome, but I think I do better when busier.  I will declare the exact opposite when busy of course.

Week 33 Update - a few days late/Dear baby,

Little dude!  We made it to week 33, which means, allegedly, the start of month eight.  And you know what, it's not that bad.  I have been packing on the poundage, but I figure I'm supposed to as you're now around 17 inches and several pounds.  Also, we've been snowed in for over 48 hours, which has meant chili, rice krispie treats, leftover enchiladas, pancakes and bacon, a multitude of snacks... and that was just this morning.  I joke.  Or do I? 

Anyhoo, you're more active than ever, proving to be quite an efficient internal alarm clock, waking me up early even though work's canceled.  But I'll take it.  I actually look pretty pregnant now and it's fun to lay back and watch you try to plot your way out or redecorate or practice krav maga or whatever it is you're doing in there that causes the ripples in my belly.  The downside is that we've grown so much in the last couple of weeks, that my belly skin is stretched to capacity, and we have a ways to go (7 - 9 more weeks, depending on your schedule).  To combat the itchy-achiness, I've been taking lots of baths with bath oil while listening to This American Life.  I'm pretty sure you now think that Ira Glass is your dad.  And maybe he is.  In my dreams.  I joke, real dad! 

Yesterday, due to being on weather lockdown, I washed all of your bedding, new blankets, truckload of clothes and anything else I could find.  Yeah, I'll probably wash it all again before you get here to ensure maximum cleanliness and softness, but it was good to get a head start before I went all The Shining.

So, I think you're cooking along just fine, but we'll see ourselves on Saturday.  My last sonogram was scheduled for yesterday, which was canceled. Obvs.  So, I've been rescheduled for Saturday during hospital clinic hours before the doc goes on a two week vacation.  Must be nice... Last time, I got totally sick during and was totally weirded out by the 3D images, but this time I'm actually looking forward to seeing your gigantic mama cheeks and your fat dad nose.  If we could choose, we'd give you our best features, but since you don't need boobs, you'll have to settle for my brain and here's hoping you get your dad's height, but not till after you're out.  Let's stay as wee as possible till you're on the other side, mkay?

See you soon!  Not too soon, though.

In a related story - knocked up celeb couture as per Vulture.

Snoklahoma/It's a blizznado!

Snow day, y'all.   0" to 1,000,000' of snow, depending, maybe.  So says the radar.  Or model. Or whatever.  Really, they have no idea since the weather peeps are all working from home too since the entire.state.shut.the.eff.down. 904 schools are closed. I don't think the state actually has that many, but oh well.

Right, so I'm taking a shower at about 10.30am, because that's what you can do when you don't have to go to work (thank you! - actually, work was called off yesterday afternoon, unprecedented!) and K busts into the bathroom to ask me what birds eat.  I say bird food?  He's concerned for the blue jay and cardinal chilling (literally) on the back patio and wants to make sure they have food throughout the blizzard.  Aw.  We have nothing to give them except a torn up corn tortilla, which he tosses their way.  Bon appetit!  That's how I know he'll be a good dad. 

In a related story, although Zeb has seen snow before (ice accumulation this winter and real snow last winter - tomorrow is his one year anniversary of joining our pack!), he's now terrified of it.  It's going to be a fun day of trying to get him to do his business outside.  Oh, dogs.