A Few Things:

1. A sink, unlike a vagina, is not self cleaning. Just because the nature of this apparatus is to contain soap and water and facilitate the cleaning of things, it does not mean that such actions will result in acceptable vessel cleanliness. You actually have to dump in some Comet (I like Bon Ami, but it's not sold in Norman grocery stores) and scrub the sink. I know, counter intuitive. But try it.

2. I sliced my thumb open yesterday with the new chef's knife I bought upon recommendation from Cooks Illustrated - it's the Victorinox 8" Chef's Knife with Fibrinox handle. The knife is freaking awesome at only $25. The slit in my thumb is not. My boyfriend has a JD, which, during medical situations, is apparently akin to an MD. Who knew?

3. I now own Diane Von Furstenburg luggage courtesy of Mom approved retail therapy. Now, for somewhere to go...

4. MJ was most likely a child predator. How come we are forgetting this?

5. Should I bother going to Dfest? My beloved Cake will be there.

6. It's Lacey's* birthday! She's younger than me, but much more accomplished. I should've called her about my injury instead of my lawyer.

7. Stoned wallabies!

8. In spite of simultaneous over and underwatering, our garden has produced several green tomatoes and a few baby peppers! Woo! Soon, I will be forced into consuming fresh vegetables out of guilt. Boo.

9. Lacey's birthday reminds me that mine will arrive shortly. I remember freaking out when I turned 26. I'll bet my 26 year old self is feeling stupid because now I'm turning 30 - 2, which is a much bigger deal because I am unmarried, unchilded and unPhD'd.

10. I need more workout/running songs. Seriously, all I can bust it to is Beyonce. There has to be an alternative. If I hear "Single Ladies" one more time... I will break into a weird robut dance.

11. Speaking of robuts, whatever happened to David Cross?

12. I'm breaking up with Mark Kurlansky. After struggling, literally, for years to finish Salt, I attempted to spice it up a bit by bringing The Food Of A Younger Land into the bedroom. Total backfire. Either I'm not as cerebral/hipster as I thought or he's overhyped. I prefer to go with the latter, but suspect the former is true.

13. I am dreading the 4th of July, as it is the New Years of the summer. I'm not a "lake person" and that appears to be the only option in these parts. Thoughts? Comments? Concerns?

*If you have not yet read her blog, you should. She is far more entertaining than I in that she is actually capable of entertainment.

When, I ask you, when?

As I sit at my desk, eating cold lo mein out of a mug staring down another 14 hour work day, I am wondering, when will someone notice the awesomeness that is this blog and correctly infer that there could only be more awesomeness in the person behind it and make me famous? When?

BREAKING NEWS!

1. something pretty fantastic, should the stars align properly, is going to happen to me in one to one and a half months.

2. jon & kate 8 = 0

3. the white house has a flickr page. it's pretty awesome.

Too late?

I was watching daytime TV yesterday at home (e.g. not at work) because I had a migraine that was literally trying to liquefy my brain and came across a commercial for Juicy Juice Brain Development juice stuff for babies. Now, aside from sounding gross (mom! can I have a some brain development?), I'm wondering - is it too late? I could really use some brain development right about now. Could I have some after coming home from the bar and just call it even? I think this warrants investigation.

um. seriously?

Yesterday, after a mindnumbing 10.5 hours of work*, I commenced the long commute home, planning to veer my car toward the ol' homestead to walk my** dog with my mom to stretch out my legs after desk jockying for so long, but instead, ended up at happy hour with the BF. As I was sitting outside, drinking an IPA, feet up in the chair across from me, staring into the setting sun, I looked down at my chest, because, well, why not, it's awesome, and noticed something out of place.

At some point earlier in the day, I had been chewing gum. I don't know when I ceased chewing this gum. But, I guess I did, because there it was, stuck between the top of my dress and my cardigan. I thought, for a moment, maybe it's not mine! Maybe someone else threw their gum at my lady lumps. But no, it was green gum. I only chew green gum.

How did this happen? When did this happen? Was I talking to someone, and suddenly, the act of moving my chaw to masticate became too much of an effort and I simply let the gum drop out of my mought while I thought, huh.




*My job really isn't that bad. Sometimes days get long.
**This is my dog from high school who resides with my parents at their behest. I would prefer her to live with me. Claire, the dog, would prefer to eat bacon all day long.

Zack Harrison Memorial Music Monday: Modern Girl's Guide To Breaking Up Edition

I'm not breaking up with anyone, for now. Except maybe Fiber One bars. However, I do enjoy a good break up song. Yes, there are lots of oldies but goodies, I like these newer ones, though. This is, by no means, a complete list:



Single Again - Fiery Furnaces



Breaking Up - Rilo Kiley



Wake Up Alone - Amy Winehouse



Let's Not Belong Together - Pete Yorn



Irreplaceable - Beyonce



Your Ex-Lover Is Dead - Stars



I Think I Need A New Heart - The Magnetic Fields



Come Pick Me Up - Ryan Adams



No Children - The Mountain Goats



Song For The Dumped - Ben Folds Five



Broken Heart - Spiritualized



I Am Trying To Break Your Heart - Wilco



Nothing Better - Postal Service



Smile - Lily Allen



Woke Up New - The Mountain Goats



I'm Waking Up To You - Belle & Sebastian


Foundations - Kate Nash



Grounds For Divorce - Elbow



The Ice Is Getting Thinner - Death Cab For Cutie

No Whine Oh-Nine

You may not remember this. Turns out I'm not getting married to anyone, including myself.



While I kicked it up a notch at the gym, I didn't reach my goal, yet somehow managed to purchase a Le Creuset dutch over sometime in March. Don't ask. I extended my deadline through August and started a bootcamp class at my gym last week. Two days a week, one hour, 5.45 am. AWESOME! Right, in addition to doing something at the gym or outside every day but Sunday. I've actually been able to do it, and have been rewarded by gaining a pound. And being rendered a paraplegic.

Yesterday morning, we did stripper squats. Like 10,000. Naturally, I was quite good at them. What I'm not quite good at now is sitting up in bed, walking, leaning over, bending, driving, breathing, getting out of a chair, living. FUCK! That shit hurts! DOMS is kicking my ass. How am I supposed to run tonight so that I don't suck ass even worse tomorrow morning? F U vicious cycle! I will prevail. It's only six weeks. I can do anything for six weeks, especially if it involves not getting a hair cut, washing my car, or paying bills.

Also, how many ibuprofen is too much? Are too much. I think i just got my answer.




Bath time!

Zack Harrison Memorial Music Monday: The Hangover Edition

Have you ever been super pissed at your boyfriend on a Friday night, slammed your bedroom door all pouty like a five year old, popped in Religulous, opened a bottle of shiraz, called your friend sobbing, made midnight pasta, got on Facebook and made nonsensical comments, spilled said pasta all over your 600 threadcount sheets (that your boyfriend doesn't appreciate anyway) and woke up to a text message from your mother asking what's going on? No? Just me? Ok.

Seriously, dudes. It was bad. I woke up in a panic and surveyed the Facebook damage. Don't they have one of those applications that make you do simple math to log on? Yes, I would probably never log on. Good one. On the up side, I totally forgot why I was pissed at said boyfriend.

In a related story, I saw The Hangover Saturday night. I would highly recommend it. Anyone who knows me (all three of you) know that I've been on Team Galifianakis for some time now. Like years and years and years. So now he's all famous and shit. Good for him. Before he goes off the same deep end as Will Ferrell, check out Between Two Ferns. There are lots more at funnyordie.com.

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis from Between Two Ferns

And now for the music portion. This may come as a shock, but I think the Bee Gees are kickass. Just not when they perform their own work. Behold, awesome Bee Gees covers:

(Love You) Inside and Out - Feist



Emotion - Destiny's Child

How Can You Mend A Broken Heart - Al Green



We Trying To Stay Alive - Wyclef

I Can't See Nobody - Nine Simone

iWant

check it: (click so you can see better unless you have fighter pilot vision, like me.)

too bad it's so expensive and i'm so poor, otherwise, match made in oklahoma!

Zack Harrison Memorial Music Monday: Shitty Music Edition

Instead of perpetrating my trademark awesome taste in music, I think, instead, we should take a look the really shitty stuff out there and be thankful iPods have made the radio obsolete.

For your listening pleasure:


Lullaby - Shawn Millins

Follow Me - Uncle Kracker

Higher - Creed

We Built This City - Starship

Your Body Is A Wonderland - John Mayer

Breakfast At Tiffany's - Deep Blue Something


I mean, there are way more, of course. But I think this is a solid start. So, don't listen to these. Do listen to everything else I've told you.