Last night, I went to see the latest Bond flick with my dad and brother. Because I am a poor jerk, and they happened to be on my side of town, I made them pick me up. I would not have done this had I realized by brother is a huge pussy by refusing to take the highway to the fancy schmancy theater in Moore (a side note - Moore people scare me - what's with the teeny boppers and their trucker hat/giant diamond earring/printed hoodies/guido hair thing?) making us 10 minutes late.
We bought our tickets and headed into the darkened theater and settled in. A fast paced, action filled opening scene appeared to have already started. I was surprised, approving on the theater's wise, but unusual decision to eschew 30 minutes of previews and get right to the heart of the matter. The small cinemas in Northampton that I used to frequent would show maybe one trailer, so it didn't seem too out of the ordinary to catch the opening of the film 15 minutes past the movie start time.
As I continued to watch, I experienced an intellectual unraveling worse than some of the roughest finals I endured in college. Why couldn't I remember the ending of the last movie? How, specifically, had Vespa betrayed Bond? What's the deal with returning character Mathis? Why does Daniel Craig's mouth bother me so much, especially when he's drinking something, with all those little sucking noises? Why is none of this fitting together? Am I really so stupid as to not be able to follow a fucking Bond movie? It's not like Syriana or some shit. Come to think of it, did I really understand Syriana? Well, maybe it was confusing, but I totally got Babel. Totally. Right? Was that the one with the deaf naked chick where Cate Blanchett peed on herself then Brad Pitt banged her? How come all I can recall of an Oscar nominated film is the nudity, pee and banging? Conclusion: I should quit life because I am an idiot.
Then I knew what had happened. I silently rose from my seat and returned to the lobby to confront the d-bag (Moore) kid who'd directed my trio to the auditorium. I asked him which auditorium was showing the 8:10 Bond. He told me number 13. Well fuck me. We were in number two. Better yet, it was now 45 minutes into the meat of the movie. Jesus H. Christ on a stick. I asked when the next show started. 8:50.
I went back and retrieved Dad and the bro (those people already watching must've enjoyed feeling superior for a few minutes there) and made our way to the correct auditorium. Between us, we have two BA's, one Master's, one PhD and some National Merit business, not to mention and Eagle Scout and the unparalleled honor of Oklahoma's Greatest 75 Websites. I am afraid for our future. Also, Casino Royale was better.