Question:

I accidentally bought a straw fedora last week to celebrate my staycation (which, in all likelihood, I will never, ever wear). Does this make me:

A) 33.3% douchey

B) 69% douchey , or

C) 100% douchey

I cannot stay away, yet cannot pull off trends - not only because I look like poo, but also because I end up feeling like a huge tool. I mean, really, who wears a straw fedora except UrbanOutfitters models. Enjoy my closet, hat.

(Not to mention I have a super weirdly shaped head, among other things. Date me!)

Just a little marketing scam warning.

Yes, I perspire. It's true. Actually, I sweat. Like a lot sometimes. Even though my sweat smells like freshly baked sugar cookies, I decided to check out all of the new "clinical" deodorants out there and test drive one. "Clinical" is code for $7 deodorant. Anyway, I settled on Secret and have been applying at night, as per the instructions. While I think that the product is working as advertised, it's doing a little extra work, too, e.g. growing an overnight pit forest. Seriously, a week's worth of growth crops up overnight! My razor's been working overtime, when I remember. When I don't, sorry. The point of my story is that clearly, Secret is in bed with Gilette to mastermind this whole scheme. So, now I'm left to weigh the severity of the lesser of these two evils, smelly pits or hairy pits. Date me!