X-mas Fail

No one got me one thing I asked for. Seriously, each request was TOTALLY reasonable. Kidding. This dude is totally effed. 

(click to enlarge)

On the first day of Zebmas his people gave to him

one adorable stuffed holiday dinner! 

We decided to give lil Z a piece of his turkey plate each day until Christmas, but we didn't really count, so... we'll give him the plate Christmas Day.  In the meantime, he's been obsessed with the roll.  He just hangs out with it in his mouth, occasionally giving it a squeak.

In a related story, Z-pain's b-day was probably a couple of weeks ago if when we got him (February 2, 2010) he was around nine weeks or so.  To celebrate, I'm going to bake him some puppy pumpkin biscotti now that holiday break has officially commenced (12 day weekend ahoy!).  Well, it commenced when I peaced out of work at about one this afternoon because we FINALLY finished the hellacious end of year payrolls, but I think it starts now since I just roused from my Snuggie™ incuded nap. 

The point is, happy birthday and Merry Christmas Zeb!  You're my favorite.  (For now.)

Week 27 Update

I'm thoroughly confused about what starting week 27 means.  Is the end of month six?  Am I already in month 7?  I've never been good at the math (except when I use it for my job, of course *wink*), but my doctor says one thing, the sonogram people say another, and then websites and books yet another.  So, I could be anywhere from five to eight months knocked up at any given time.  All I know is my due date is somewhere between March 21 and March 24.  Which probably actually means May 3.  Whatevs.  I'm certainly is no hurry, yet. 

However, recent developments that indicate I am in fact getting there include, but are not limited to: lower back pain that's actually more like in my butt ( I guess, just lower, lower spine), but only when I "exercise" (which means me hoofing it around the track at the Y with my mom trotting behind for 45 minutes a few times a week, not hardly enough to offset the pre-holiday cookie and fudge damage I'm doing), boob explosion - just when I think they can't get any bigger, bump explosion which has led me to actually pull on a pair of maternity jeggings (ahhhhh - sigh of comfort!) since my attempt at using the belly band thingy made me feel like my pants were a mere seconds away from dropping in public and I'm already paranoid enough, and I cried for no reason (not really, there was a reason, it's just hazy and I've essentially already forgotten it) for about three hours Saturday night. 

In a related story, K put together the crib his mother graciously purchased for us and I received the dinos from Anthro.  AND THAT'S ALL WE'VE GOT!  It's kind of like we think in addition to me giving birth to a human, I will also pop out a pack 'n' play, breast pump, boppy, bumbo, blankets, burps rags, diapers, clothing, baby tub, swing, bouncy chair, wipes, changing pad, changing table, bottles, rocker/glider, college tuition and all of the other million things we should, but don't have.  Oops.

Seriously?

Are you seeing this?  62 on Christmas Eve?  Let me remind you of last Christmas.  It was a snowy shitshow, but kind of cozy and exciting.  This year, it's practically going to be tropical out.  Weird.  I'm having a hard enough time getting into the spirit of things, but dang!  This really makes it hard.  But also, I think the less layers I can wear the better.  The bump is on the move and I'm starting to look a lot like Mimoo.

I can call her that because we've been friends since hers was the first CD I ever got.  Yup, I'm old.

BREAKING NEWS

Scarjo and RyReyn are no more. Finito. Gone the way of Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens. So, you know what that means. One or both of them are mine! I'm not particular. And yeah, I got a babydaddy, but in the words of Beyonce, "if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it."

Week 26 Update

Same as week 25.  Except fatter.  Notice I did not say babier.  But fatter.  Because I am eating for 13 at any given time.  This happens every winter.  It's like the minute it drops below 50, I start eating for a small army of very large and very hungry people.  So, now it's the perfect storm of bambino, holiday gluttony and my evolutionary need to pack on the poundage in case of a winter famine.  Awesome. 

But, you know what makes everything better?  Even my fat ass, Heidi Montag sized jugs, jiggly belly etc.

The saddest thing in the whole world has happened.

UPDATE: Obviously, I've overcome this very brief problem.  I just eat like a horse and then feel sick. 

I am unable to eat like I used to.  I'm not a doctor, but I'm guessing that the kiddo and his accommodations are taking up enough space now to squash parts of my internal organs in a new way.  This includes my stomach, which means I cannot stuff it full with delicious foodstuffs as I am accustomed.  Now, mind you, I have been somewhat careful to watch what I eat for the last year or so resulting in about a stone and a half (I prefer to think of lbs this way, much nicer than their American equivalent) weight loss, so I don't go totally overboard, but I do like to hunker down and enjoy a honking helping of scrumptiousness sometimes.  But, no more.  Now, I'm going to have to consume sensibly, eating small meals 100 times a day.  BLAST!  But it'll totally be worth it, right?  RIGHT?

In a related story, because I turned into a beached whale in the booth at Charleston's during my attempt at dinner (baked potato and soup, you'd think I could handle that), I made K cut our date night short and take me home so I could slide into my lounge pants and beach on the couch.  We hooked our huge ass (42" is huge to us, normal to others) to Netflix and are basking in the wonder that is Air Guitar Nation.  Recommended if you're in the mood for a documentary, but can't quite handle child prostitution or the deterioration of the US economy or sad state of food in America

Dear No-We-Don't-Have-A-Name-For-You-Yet Baby,

I might have bought you a little something today. Like your first stuffed toys. Dinosaurs to be exact. Terrance Triceratops and Talia T-Rex. Your dad loves dinos (and all things space, but I couldn't find any space dinosaurs on sale), so I thought you two might enjoy these together. Merry pre-birth Christmas!


*Yes, these are from Anthropologie. Yes, I have a problem. Step 1, complete!

Oh hell yeah

Today I popped into Daisy Exchange, where I occasionally force young, hip women to sift through my cast offs when my closet overfloweth. Most of the time, I come away with a tidy pile of cash and little dignity. However, today, I was actually looking to purchase some large-ish shirts and/or dresses that I can belt and wear as my boobs explode and mini bump continues to expand, but doesn't quite require tenting. I found a few things all under $7 including, wait for it... an Anthro top. FROM THIS SEASON. THAT I BOUGHT LAST MONTH. FOR $68. Oh yes, the Odille Bianka blouse in navyish was hanging at the back of a pile for $6.50. SCORE! Yes, I have it in a print already, but effing A! I am stoked. But also depressed because I paid $68 when I coulda just got it for you know, 90% off. Curses. And happiness.

Thought of the day:

Can Helen Mirren get any better? The answer is no.

Week 25 Update

At my regularly scheduled ob/gyn appointment last week, the doc suggested/required a 3D ultrasound since TLC was almost knocking at my door when I learned I was con niño to check development, really nail down the due date, etc. So, we did that today. I've decided that instead of carrying a child, I'm carrying a fossil. All I could pick out initially without the tech and doctor specifically pointing out parts was a prehistoric looking spine (which is good, glad you have a spine!!) and K and I both commented on the weirdness of the image. We're definitely not using our imaginations to help construct a baby out of the blurry squashiness. Neither of us is particularly sentimental, but I worry that we're too pragmatic to enjoy any of this. But, I guess it's not about us enjoying anything as much as making sure homeboy gets out alright. That's really my only job. They did finally find his little face (he's 1.1 pounds) and I'm hoping he looks a little better in real life. The picture was all sepia toned and kind of scary. On the other hand, it really confirmed that there's a bebeh in there! It's for real! He's real!

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. Christmas.

You know how when you break up with someone, you go backward thinking, oh man, that last time we blanked was the last time we'll ever blank. Yeah, so last Christmas was the last Christmas I could be semi-selfish and get stuff for myself. Now impending baby jail has imposed new limitations of Christmas gluttony. Damn! Not that I don't want stuff for señor spawn, but I just didn't know I needed to cash in last year. Family has asked what we want, but we know the answer is not a Wii or moolah for a pre-baby vacay. And yes, I am super grateful that anyone asks at all. I am a notoriously horrible gift giver. I think I'm going to have to outsource b-days and Christmas when the kid arrives or I'll scar him (deeper) for life. Right, so, instead of actually getting anything, I have given myself the gift of fantasizing about what I would want. Not that I would get any of it because I ask for too much and it's all too expensive, but that's how I roll.

Tom's - I finally caved over T-day break and bought some black canvas Tom's that were on sale for 25% off. I figured they'd come in handy when I can't see or reach my feet and then later when I don't have time to brush my teeth, let alone contemplate shoes that don't just slip on. And now I'm in love. Perfectly comfortable and versatile, I'd like some more, please.



Breville Panini Press - There is nothing better than crusty, oily bread encasing fontina and salty, salty salami, hot and melty, ready for a dip in some dijon or tapenade. So hungry.



Over the knee boots - I have short, squatty legs (I'm a whopping 5'1" - sorry bebeh, but know that your dad is 6'4" so I think you got a good shot at exceeding the curse of Tom Cruise) and I like to make them look longer. One way is to wear heels. This typically ends in scratches, bruises, cramped and gnarled toes, etc. Another way is over the knee boots. These are seksi (especially in a size 7).



An Evening with David Sedaris tickets - it's like we're old friend and I haven't seen him in a long time. I LOVE YOU and your decidedly annoying voice, which is coming to OKC on April 18.



Kate Spade Desk Calendar - because I can't get enough Kate Spade in my life. Nor can I remember anything. Good combo.



Knitted Cowl - so soft, so warm, so winter, so need it (in fig or lemongrass)!



Tarte Cheek Stain and Fresh Sugar Plum Tinted Lip Balm - they're my favorites and I need more, but they're $$.


Amazon gift card - so I can download all the music I forgot to discover this year. I'm in a music void and I don't like it.

Jonathan Adler Leo Pillow - if you're a Leo, then you totally understand why you need a $100 pillow dedicated to your birth month.



Pretty bling - love these.


Lululemon Groove Pant - I almost forgot! Yes, I spent a ridic amount of money on a pair of yoga pants from Lululemon (the wunderunders to be precise) and it was hard earned money very well spent. I cannot say enough about their comfort and how they've held up. I got them when I weighed 20+ pounds more than now, wore them comfortable after that (not to mention they helped me feel not hideous when running/attempting to run at the gym), and now wear them over el bumpo (although, he's still fairly tiny for 25 weeks). So, I think the groove pants are going to be well worth the price. Oh yes, I will be getting some. Somehow. Someday.

Suck it, Nebrasska

Today's the day. After many a painful misstep this season (in spite of one glorious week/three minutes at the top of the BCS poll), OU finds themselves battling Nebraska one last time (RIP Big 12) for the conference championship. While I'm unsure of our chances, to win, what I am sure of is that this game will be memorable because it'll be the first viewed from our new HUGE ASS/42" TV. That might seem like kid's play to you, but for us, having finally retired my parent's circa 1998 old school 36 incher, it is effing heaven. But, the most important thing is that it was hella cheap. I mean, ridonk. Like less than I can spend on iTunes in an hour. (Not really, but close.) In any case, in spite of, you know, expecting a bebeh, this purchase is actually the most adult I've felt since I signed up for retirement. Kudos, me.

On not shopping

Due to the impending belly (and probably other body parts, but I really, really, really hope not because, dude, my boobs literally cannot get any bigger than they normally are - I'm not bragging, them's just the facts) explosion, I have curtailed my shopping habit 100%. SO EFFING HARD! Oh hey black Friday sales, cyber Monday deals and general holiday steals goodness, I'll just sit out your awesome offerings this year as my waistline disappears into oblivion (which, has happened a little, but mostly because of T-day overexposure and eating lunch out everyday because it tastes sooooo good - however, I can still fit into my skinny jeans at 24 weeks, so huzzah lycra or whatever they're partially made of!). Complain, complain, complain. It's all I do now have ever done. What I'm asking is, for those of you who can take advantage, do it for me. 30% of your entire J.Crew order today! And all of the other super awesome deals out there. Pour one out for your homie.

RIP darling shirt I would've considered for the holidays with your cheery plaid and whimsical beading. I would have tucked you into a short black skirt with inky tights beneath, finished off with suede heels.

Dear baby,

I'm sure there will be a kajillion things I'll love about you, but for now, I'm super excited that your dad, out of nowhere, realized that we'll (finally) need a Christmas tree (ok, maybe not this year, but definitely next!). I'm excited because your father has a black belt in scrooginess, but it appears his black coal holiday heart is melting a little just for you. Who knows, maybe we'll even go totally crazy and put light on the house! Not.

Under Pressure (whine whine whine)

Tomorrow brings the beginning of week 24 and I've yet to feel even a modicum of excitement about the impending arrival of the little dude. Between the shock of the situation, multiple grand parents croaking, T-day and a brutal short work week (hello 14 hour days with no time for meals, but plenty of time for monumental stress) I can't get to a place where I feel like everything's going to be ok and is working out like it should.

This is due in part to the fact that K and I aren't married. Yeah, we're doing this totally out of order, but when your collective parents (and grand/soon to be great grandparents) are old school Oklahomans, this is a stumbling block. I learned that basically neither set of parents is excited or happy (in spite of the fact that K and I have been in a committed relationship for at least three years... and are 28 and 29 respectively, we're not 18) and very concerned because we're unmarried and not ready (duh, anyone who says they're absolutely ready to have a baby is a fucking liar - it's impossible!). I'm not sure if they think one of us is going to bail on the other leaving them to pick up the slack or if they don't want to share the news since instead of us being husband and wife we're boyfriend and girlfriend or what, but it feels super shitty to not have your family behind you 100% during a time like this. Yeah, it's not ideal, but it's not like we're the only people who've found themselves in this situation. I can't imagine that we wouldn't have headed down this path anyway, so what if we headed down it in reverse? Big deal.

In any case, I still barely have a bump (which is fine as long as everything's checking out ok!) and have had pretty much zero symptoms, but dang, this week brought out the weepiness in me something fierce. There's so much to do, so little time, and even less money. The next four months are going to be a shit show, but it will all be worth it in the end, right? RIGHT?

Happy T-day, Y'all!

'Tis the season, no? Today, we will be going to not one, but two Thanksgiving meals within an hour of each other. Yay! Not. My digestive system is basically on strike (thanks spawn), so there's nothing I want less than to participate in social gorging. Believe, me, this is hard. I love eating more than I love reading perezhilton.com all day every day. But, alas, I think I'm going to have to take it really easy or else. Also, there's T-day dinner number 3 on the horizon for Saturday. Yay! Not.

In the meantime, hope this gets you in the mood. From one of my favorite movies, Home for the Holidays:

Also, I'm grateful for a bunch of crap and stuff. There.

Hey 'Ye

Dear spawn,

I hope you like Kanye, because My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy is blowing up my speakers. Seriously, this album is really, really good. A lot of people thought 808s and Heartbreaks sucked, but I liked it. However, this is a return to Kanye's best. Boyfriend brings it with well produced, well lyricized compositions that make me hate the radio. And yeah, he's a freak and yeah he writes in ALL CAPS ALL THE TIME, but so fucking what.

Week 23

And really nothing to show for it. This has been a completely symptomless pregnancy, which is great, of course. So far, I've actually lost weight (weird) and am still in my normal clothes (thank God because we are broke, broke, broke). The only typical things are my cravings for cheeseburgers. Wait, that's always been an issue. Other than that, I'm going to trust the docs and the ultrasound since they say everything's there and accounted for (including boy parts) and humming along just fine.

In the meantime, I'm trying to think of all the unprepared moms out there who've made it just fine, like Britney, Khourtney Kardashian, Jamie Lynn Spears, Ashley Simpson, Nicole Richie. I'm in great company, right?

P.S. Would it be wrong to ask for corporate sponsorship for this kid? I would totally name him Devon (hello Devon Energry) or Chesapeake or Coca-Cola or pretty much anything that would pay the bills.

So, that happened.

But before I reveal what "that" is, let us review the following posts. There's this one. And this one. And probably a lot more that I can't remember because I can't remember anything anymore and tire easily. Because, you guessed it: the bee-spot is knocked up. FOR REALZ. Despite my best efforts and my lady doc always telling me my chances of conception aren't awesome (read very minimal), nature conspired to prove everyone wrong. And now, baby bee-spot is no longer a joke, but due this spring. Believe it! (I don't.) Shocked? Me too. But, I'm Oldy McOlderson (29) and am in a stable, long term relationship with my lawyer/boyfriend. No, he's just my boyfriend. He hasn't had to represent me. Yet. So, we were eventually headed this direction, I just anticipated this event happening a little later. However, now that I'm going through it and all that shiz, I'm happy to be 29 since all kinds of additional testing and care is required in just a few short years.

So, now you know. This blog has been dead, obvs, but I've decided to give it new life, literally and figuratively. Mazel tov, me!