We never went to the bar at Red Lobster

Where have I been this time? you might ask not give even the slightest shit about. Well, I will give you 10 guesses.

A) Developing a very special, very new product: the home pap smear. Seriously, every effing time I turn around, I'm making an appointment (six months in advance) to see my gyno so she can charge me a bajillion dollars to swab my bajingo. I'm over the two hour wait and am all set answering awkward questions about my sex life and lady parts. Hence the home pap smear. A medical degree is not required to successfully carry out a smear. Mainly, one only needs to be comfortable with her own body and voila! Dollar dollar bills saved, y'all. Send it off to a lab and you're good till next year. I am so serious about this.

B) Storyboarding my own fan video for "Party in the USA."

C) Perfecting my one woman version of "The Nightman Cometh."

D) Searching for the perfectly wearable pair of black boots to go with winter skirts and dresses. (I settled on these because I am part old lady - they're Naturalizers. Huzzah!)


5) Waiting in line for tickets to the This Is It premier.

6) Misunderstanding the new Facebook format.

7) Living in an alternate universe powered by beautiful and creative blogs, or, the total opposite of this pile and my life. Secret: I cannot stop reading home designish blogs. Blogs about food and cooking. Blogs about pretty stationary. Blogs about other people's boyfriends and perfect lives. Blogs about cities I'll never live in. Blogs where everyone's photogenic, creative, surrounded by succulents and vintage furniture. It's a sickness. And I don't think there's a cure. Don't get me wrong, I don't begrudge these people their diligence and creativity. I'm simply jealous. See here. And here. And here. And here. And here. And here.

H) Dating Jon Gosselin.

I) Knitting a baby gift for Kourtney Kardashian.

9) Blocking out OU's pathetic season.

10) Being lame.